Happy Halloween!

Yes, that's my pumpkin. I decided I wanted to carve one this year and roast the seeds. I like how when the candle flickers it really does seem to wink at you. I felt like such a kid sitting in my kitchen carving last night.

I'm feeling pretty crappy lately. For one thing, the injections are getting harder to do. I don't know if it's normal or even possible to build up scar tissue from only a week of injections, but I'm having a hard time getting the needle to go in. When it does go in, it hurts a lot. I've been alternating sides but that doesn't seem to make a difference. Won't it be fun when I have to do multiple injections each day?

And then the side effects. Here's how they work for me. I wake up after a sleepless night feeling okay. I do the injection. A few hours later I feel like I have a dark fog flowing through my brain. All I want to do is sit on the couch. Absolutely no energy. My energy comes back right as I'm trying to sleep, making my sleep very restless. It's not much fun.

I'm trying to stay positive and focus on good things. It's almost CD1 again and that means we're getting closer to the next phase of our cycle. Once the stims start, I think time is going to fly by. I hope the side effects dissipate, but I'm not holding my breath. We'll see!

Be Aware

I read Mel's latest post reminding us that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week and encouraging us to do something to create awareness and reach out to others with IF.

Her post made me think about how community has changed my struggle with IF. I remember reading different infertility message boards and wanting something deeper. People would come, post a question, get a response, and leave. You often didn't know how their cycle turned out or if the information they received helped them. So I did a search for infertility blogs, and quickly found Mel's site and the wonderful list of bloggers she maintains. Reading the experiences of real people made me feel less alone. Getting caught up in people's situations and rooting for people I didn't really know gave me a positive focus for my restless IF energy. Before too long, I decided to start a blog of my own. And it might sound cheesy, but starting this blog has really changed my life.

I didn't really expect any comments, but I had some within minutes of my first post. When Mel added me to her blog list, I felt like I was joining an important an meaningful group. I can't even express how much everyone's comments mean to me. It amazed me that people would send so many positive thought my way...people who knew exactly how I felt. While I appreciate every single good wish given to me by those who haven't had to deal with IF, it gave me such a sense of warmth to be heard by someone with their own battle scars. Meanwhile, my blog is a great source of stress relief. When bad things happen, I know that I can come to this safe space, record my true feelings, and figure out how to deal with them. I engage in meditation almost every day, and have learned the importance of deep, calming breaths. I feel like this blog is just another kind of deep breathing.

So this week I'm going to think about how I can continue to reach out to others. I already proudly wear my pomegranate bracelet. Maybe I will print out little information cards, attach a string, and leave them at my clinic. I'm going to find new blogs to read and make sure I leave comments for the people I feel I've grown close to. I'll search out petitions to sign that will legislate infertility coverage for everyone. I think it might be time to write my congress people again.

So who's with me?

Blah

I've managed to avoid the hot flashes and mood swings that 10% of women experience while taking Lu*pron. I'm just completely exhausted. I feel fine until about noon and then my energy takes a dive. I'm also feeling rather moody, but that might just be PMS.

So to lighten up my mood, I'd like to mention a few things that have made me happy today.

1. I went to the store for some acorn squash. I have been having crazy cravings for winter squash for the last week. While I was standing in line to pay, the older woman behind me asked me how to cook them. She said, "You just look so nice and thin that I thought maybe I should eat them, too!" Okay, I've gained about 5 pounds from stress eating and bloating. I feel miserable about it. She totally made my day.

2. When I got home, I had a small package from my Mom. She sent me an encouraging card telling me to hang in there and enclosed a pair of Halloween socks. They have little smiling candy corns on them. I love crazy socks, and I love them even more now that I have the chance to show them off while up in the stirrups. How's that for making a small loss of dignity into something happy?

3. I made a major mistake on the heel of the sock that I'm knitting. Apparently I'm not doing so well with reading comprehension right now. I had to rip out two days worth of work. This might not sound like good news...but I was able to pick up the correct number of stitches and can now proceed. I'm really bad at ripping stuff out, so this was a relief. I think I'll finish them in time.

4. Finally...I ordered Stephen King's latest book and it arrived yesterday. I cannot wait to curl up and relax tonight!

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Mmmmm, coffee!

Thanks to Mel for directing me to this little quiz. I find it funny that my coffee drink of choice reflects my personality!

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

When I got married, here's something I never thought I'd say: "Honey, leave my biohazardous waste alone!" This was me joking with B about the sharps container in our bathroom. He always makes fun of me for the different bottles I need to get ready. This is a bottle he never thought he'd see!

That wasn't so bad!

"Subcutaneous injection" sounds like such a scary term, but I learned this morning that it's not that bad. The needle is very small and thin - I honestly didn't feel it going in at all. The medication burned a little and the injection site itched for about 10 minutes, but that was that. What I'm left with is a huge sense of accomplishment - I injected myself! I keep waiting for all of this to feel real. I thought maybe it would happen at my trial transfer, or when we signed the forms, or even when we paid the bill. This morning was as close as I've come to realizing what we're doing. IVF seems like such a concrete thing, such a serious procedure, but it's really a series of small steps taken one day at a time.

B decided to tell his best friend what we're doing and why. They have been friends since preschool, but we only see he and his wife once every few months because we live in different states. His friend was very supportive and also knew a lot about IVF and egg donation. It was kind of creepy to have him suggest that I could sell my eggs and get $6000-$10000 for each one. I have no idea where he came up with that figure. I'm glad B continues to share with the people close to him. I told him he should start a blog to reach out to other men out there with MFI and to give the women some male perspective. After his initial "no way" he said he'd think about it. It might be tricky because he doesn't know about my blog, but I'd be willing to tell him if he wanted to start his own! We'll see if I can convince him.

Green light

This is my favorite picture of the leaves from this weekend. I'm a former California girl and the fall foliage was breathtaking. I'd seen pictures before, but the real thing was incredible. The festival was also great. There were so many people there! At one booth, you had to elbow your way to the yarn, quickly grab what you wanted, and then stand in a HUGE line. I sent B to wait in line while I did the elbow thing and he got to the register just as I made it out. It was perfect.

This was a much needed trip for both of us. I love all things yarn, and seeing so many different kinds and meeting the people who actually raise the animals and spin the yarn themselves was great. Completely immersing myself in the festival took my mind away from the stress and anxiety of IF and IVF. We enjoyed maple sugar cotton candy, fresh cider, and delicious apple pie. It was great to do something together that didn't involve yet another trip to the clinic. It was a small taste of how easy life used to be.

When we got home, we checked the mail and found a thick packet of information from the clinic containing detailed injection directions and the consent forms. Talk about a quick return to reality! B didn't want to think much about the "in case one of you dies" questions. We took them to the clinic this morning to sign them so they could witness the signing. A quick ultrasound (My doctor said my ovaries look "happy" which made me giggle) some bloodwork (I hope my veins can survive more than the few draws I've had so far...it hurt!) payment for the cycle (gulp) and injection instructions (looks easy when they do it!) and I was home again. The clinic just called to tell me I am ready to start injections tomorrow.

I'm going to hold the images of the beautiful foliage in my mind and close to my heart. They're my new calming vision. I will do my meditations each day and work on my second retrieval/transfer sock. I'm going to get through this...those needles are just small pieces of metal that aren't going to get in my way. My MIL and Mom both commented today how proud they are of me and the strength I've shown so far. That surprised me because I don't feel particularly strong. But I'm going to believe them and keep their words in my mind tomorrow morning. There's no turning back now!

That's a lot of needles!

This is what $2000-$4000 dollars worth of IVF medication looks like. I don't know exactly how much they cost - that figure is based on what my clinic estimated. I'm blessed to have insurance that pays for IVF medication even though they don't cover the procedure, so I only had to pay $200 in co-pays. I have to say that I appreciate my clinic. They faxed over the paperwork to the pharmacy and I had the medication the next day. The pharmacy was also awesome, working around my schedule and showing up promptly. But man, there's a lot of needles! I opened the box of generic Lu*pron to see what it looked like and there were even more needles inside! I do feel very stylish with my new Foll*istim traveling case. I'm sure I'll be the envy of everyone.

So yesterday we had more bloodwork done and today was my physical, sonogram, and trial transfer. The trial transfer was quick and easy - it's pretty much an IUI without the specimen. My doctor confirmed that I have a tilted uterus and told me that 40 years ago women had surgery to "correct" what we now know is normal. Can you imagine?

I asked him three things: What does he think about caffeine consumption during IVF? He said that caffeine has been loosely linked to lower birth rate, but nothing is certain. If I can cut it out, that's good. If I need that cup in the morning, that's fine. I'm down to one cup a day and will work on decreasing that soon. Then I asked how much and what kind of exercise I can do. Until I start stims, anything is fine. Once they start, I can swim, ride a stationary bike, or take short walks. It all has to be low impact to avoid twisted ovaries. The thought of my ovaries twisting freaks me out! I think I'm going to freeze my gym membership in the next few weeks. Finally, I wanted to know about air travel in the event of a successful cycle. I want to go see my family at Christmas time. (I converted to Judaism 5-ish years ago, but I still want to spend Christmas with my family.) He couldn't give me a firm answer. Too many things could happen between now and then for that. I'm thus still on the fence about booking the flight.

And another observation - the people at the clinic are super nice to you when you're an IVF patient. They've always been nice, but today everyone was over the top. They have a list of patients going through treatment, and it's kind of weird how much they try and get you to laugh and relax. I liked it!

So next week the injections start. This weekend we're heading to Rhinebeck for the Sheep and Wool Festival. I plan on buying lots of beautiful yarn for myself and my sister. I'm looking forward to getting away with B on a mini-trip and just relaxing before the next stage of IVF. I hope everyone has a great weekend, too!

Appreciation, tentative schedule, and a proud moment

I'm in a much better place today. I knew when I wrote my last post that time would help restore my sense of calm. But blogging about my feelings has been an amazing source of stress relief. It's really incredible - it's like throwing myself down on the ground and having a tantrum, but it's all in my mind. With that said, I'd like to say thanks to everyone who left comments. It means so much to me to know that I'm not alone and that people understand where I'm coming from. I really appreciate it!

I have some positive news today. I spoke with the IVF coordinator nurse and set up a series of appointments. Tomorrow we're going to have our HIV/hepatitis bloodtests. She was surprised that we hadn't had these done already, but the doctor said we'd have it done at the start of the cycle. On Friday I have a physical, sonogram, and trial transfer. Then on Monday I have another sonogram and bloodwork. If the bloodwork comes back okay, I'll start Lu*pron Tuesday. You know what this means, right? I'd better start working hard on my second sock!

And I also have to express how proud I am of B. He's been out at a client in another town with one of his coworkers. On the drive back to the office, the coworker started talking about a friend she feels sorry for because they've been TTC with no success and are preparing themselves for IVF. Instead of staying quiet, B told her he knew how the friend felt because we're going through it too. When the coworker started asking questions to find out what was wrong with me (one more of the IF stereotypes that drives me INSANE) B said, "It isn't an issue with my wife." That small statement is such a HUGE step for him. He's said all along that he doesn't care if people know about IVF, but he doesn't want to talk to them about his issues. I was amazed that he talked to her about this, and I really hope it's a sign of his coming to terms with the issue.

That's all for now!

Horrible day

Yesterday was the stuff of nightmares for me. This is going to be a long and complaining post, so bear with me.

We had another family gathering. Yes, family gatherings happen a lot with B's family - it's huge! On the ride over, my SIL mentioned the names they're considering for their baby. A little background: it's an Ashkenazi Jewish tradition to name a baby using the first letter of the name of someone who has passed away in your family. My husband is a "B" because his grandfather was a "B". My FIL passed away last year, so everyone is focused on "S" names. I understand that this limits the possibilities, but when the names they mentioned were the exact names we "chose" months ago, (since you can't really "choose" unless you're pregnant) I just felt...miserable. We've been trying since well before my FIL passed away. We had planned out how we'd tell my in-laws about our pregnancy. When he died, it was so hard to think about those plans. He would have been the most amazing grandfather. Picking a name that paid tribute to his memory became our next plan. And all of this planning happened before we even knew what was wrong. Yes, I do realize that there are other names out there. Maybe this even means that what we wanted wasn't meant to be. But it felt like one more reminder of what we're missing and what we might not ever have. It made me see that the deep wounds I have really haven't healed as much as I thought. Everything suddenly felt very raw.

Thus I was already shaken before we even got to the party. Once we were there, another person announced her pregnancy. She's not directly related to B's family, but she's at many family events. So once again everyone at the party was either pregnant or a mother. Everyone except me. All of the women were talking about the best places to shop for maternity clothes and what foods they couldn't eat. They shared tips on dealing with morning sickness. I ended up in another room watching football with B.

The afternoon continued on a downward spiral. It's a tradition at these gatherings for the first cousins and their spouses to do shots together. The first shot was dedicated to all of the successful fathers-to-be. Mind you, this followed another round of high fives and "Good job, buddy!" comments directed at the men who'd managed to get their wives pregnant. So poor B was left out again. And I'm not drinking during IVF. I know that some RE's say it's okay, but it's something I'm not willing to risk. So when the time came to do the shots, I said I couldn't and they kept insisting...when I refused again, it was like all eyes in the room focused on my stomach. Exactly what I needed at the moment.

It wasn't hard for me to find the time to think about my situation at the party because I really felt like I didn't belong. It made me start to wonder why it's so hard for me to talk to people about IF and IVF. If I had some other disease or illness, I know people would be concerned. They'd want to know how I was feeling and what kind of treatment I was receiving. No matter what stupid soap operas portray, IVF isn't exactly a quick and painless process. Not only does it involve some pretty complicated medical procedures, it follows months and months of continued disappointments as you try and try only to find yourself at CD1 again. The emotional toll it's taken on me is considerable. I feel an almost compulsive need to tell people what we're going through...but I don't know how. And do I really want them to know? If it doesn't work, I don't want to have to deal with telling them it failed. It's just such a mess right now.

On a positive note, my sister sent me flowers to cheer me up today. Totally unexpected and so needed. I'm going to spend some extra time with my meditations tonight and will hopefully be in a better place tomorrow. I just wish I didn't feel so blindsided and sad.

Two things I've learned

I have a pretty good grasp of the whole IVF process. I'm capable of explaining the details to anyone who asks. But there are two small things I've learned so far even though I'm only a little more than a week into my cycle.

Tylenol sucks. I'm one of those people who rarely take pain medication. In fact, B gets very worried when he sees me taking something. But the one time I rely on medicine comes each month with frustrating regularity. I need Motrin for cramps. Taking Tylenol barely takes the edge off and makes me an unhappy person. Sure, it says you can take it for menstrual cramps. Yeah, right.

Being told to "prevent" is hilarious. We were instructed to either abstain or prevent until after I start injectibles this month. I'll be ovulating before I start the drugs. This has turned into a big joke for some reason. We've been trying so hard for so long that preventing seems strange. My protocol doesn't include BCP's, but now I know how people who do take them for an IVF cycle must feel. I do have to say, though, that it's nice to have someone else in control of everything! And it's also nice that we've been able to laugh about something during this process.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll learn more along the way.

And in the world of knitting: I finished my first sock and now I have to hurry to finish #2 if I'm going to wear them during retrieval and/or transfer!

Another Update

It's been a long time since my last post. My sister and niece came to visit from California for 10 days and I couldn't find time to write anything. We had so much fun. My BIL joined them for 4 days of the trip and it was great to hang out and do whatever we wanted. I saw them off this morning and am back in my suddenly silent apartment.

I hadn't seen my niece since she was two weeks old. She's almost five months now and I can't believe how much she changed. My sister is an absolutely amazing mom. Of course, having her here was sometimes and emotional challenge, especially when we got together with my pregnant SIL. She and my sister spent most of the time talking about pregnancy, making me feel so lonely. I felt like the rejected member of the club I want more than anything to join. My sister told me later how sorry she was and that was nice. I also know it meant a lot to my SIL to have someone to talk to. It just feels like every family gathering from now on is going to center on pregnancy and children and it just reminds me of what I don't have.

So I crossed the line from "maybe IVF" to "definitely IVF" last Thursday while we were shopping. It was no great surprise because my temps told me that my period was coming. But while we were walking around the mall, it really hit me - we're going forward with IVF. It felt so surreal to be starting the process that we'd been talking about for so long. Instead of "if we do IVF" we're now saying "when". It feels great to me moving forward.

I've called the IVF coordinating nurse to set up my IVF cycle. She made sure I'd completed recent bloodwork and had an HSG. They're going to call me next week to set up my trial transfer and injection instruction appointments. Then I'll start injections two weeks from today. I can't believe this is finally happening!

Eight Week Wait

Last night was our IVF consultation. They gave us a handout to read and a video to watch before the appointment. The video was a little cheesy, but I loved seeing the examples of ICSI and assisted hatching. Amazing stuff.

Our RE told us again that we're great candidates for IVF. He said he's almost sure that we'll be using ICSI and that they can't determine the need for AH until the embryos are developing. We learned that all four doctors at the clinic work together as a team, making it easier to get in and out of the clinic for appointments. Assuming our embryos are of good quality, they will only put two back and the chance of twins is ~20%. If the embryo quality is poor, they will talk to us about placing three back.

So if I get my period next week, I'll call the clinic to set up the initial round of appointments - bloodwork, physical, trial transfer, financing, etc. Three weeks later, I would start injections. The entire cycle takes about seven weeks. I have about a week left in this cycle and then a seven week treatment plan, making this a potential eight week wait.

Once again, the doctor was great. Even though I knew just about everything he said (thanks to all of the other Stirrup Queens out there!) he explained things clearly and concisely. He also made some jokes that relaxed B a lot. I appreciated that.

B continues to freak out about the idea of injections and anesthesia. When Dr. C said the nurses will teach him to inject me, I immediately asked if I could also learn. The thought of a nervous husband wielding a needle of drugs scares me! He laughed and said most women do their own shots until it come time for progesterone. It's easier for someone to assist with those.

I joked with my Mom the other day about how my desire to have a child has trumped my long-standing fear of needles. I told her that I remembered how, when I was little, they had to hold me down to get blood. She was amazed that I remembered this because I was barely two. I guess that a bad experience with needles is one of my earliest memories. B asked me how I could possibly not be going crazy at the though of daily injections, bloodwork several times a week, and being put under. Honestly, I don't care. I feel like the doctors can do whatever they want to me as long as we have a chance at success. I actually like the idea of having everything controlled by doctors. For some reason, when we watched that cheesy video, I felt like crying. The miracles of modern technology absolutely amaze me.

So for now I'm waiting this cycle out. I really hope that we get lucky, but if not...I'm ready for the next step.

Announcement(s) Complete

Last night two of the couples made their official pregnancy announcements. I had a few weeks to prepare myself for it, but it was very hard.

After my SIL and her husband made their announcement, the men started high-fiving him. "Good job!" "Taking care of business!" "You're the man!" I can't get the vision of the pain in B's eyes out of my head. I realize these are "typical male" comments, but it just reinforces B's feeling that he's not a "real" man. I have stated this before - I know that dealing with infertility has made us a stronger couple. There were many months before we told anyone and we had only each other to lean on for support. We could have turned against each other, buckling under the strain. Marriages end all the time for lesser reasons. But we turned to each other, grew stronger, and are now battling together. I've stated it before in this blog and I'll state it again - I firmly believe that dealing with MFI makes you a stronger man. I don't care that other men can get their wives pregnant easily. How many men could deal with the stress and pain that we deal with every day and still be a kind, caring, devoted husband? So you have a lot of well-formed sperm and they know how to swim. Do you know the exact right thing to say when your wife breaks down after another failed cycle? Do you know how to make her laugh when the only thing she wants to do is stay in bed all day? Are you man enough to share your feelings of pain and sadness? I wouldn't trade my marriage to B for a whole ocean of perfect sperm.

No one actually asked us when we were going to have kids last night, but I noticed many sidelong glances at my stomach. I received a lot of comments about how "thin" and "great" I look followed by comments on how happy they were for the two couples. Sometimes I think indirect comments are more painful than getting to the point.

But at least it's over. We have our IVF consult this Thursday and I'm holding on tightly to my last bit of hope for our final IUI. Our small chance for success with IUI is still greater than our chances alone. It was perfectly timed with over double the motile sperm of last month. And if it comes down to IVF, we'll deal with it. If we're ever lucky enough to have a child, he or she will surely benefit from the strength and love we developed as a result of our battle with IF, right?

Second IUI

Just a quick post before I start getting ready for the first night of Rosh Hashanah. Our second IUI was today and B had an amazing 3 million sperm with 13% motile. That might not sound amazing, but considering we had only 750,000 on day two of our last IUI, I'm really happy. We ended up with just over a million motile sperm this month. It's far from the 5 million minimum they like to see, but...I'm still hoping.

And I like my RE more each time I see him. He has a very quirky personality. Today he asked if I was able to schedule the IVF consult. I told him it will be next Thursday, and he said "Good. I hope that making that appointment will be enough luck to get you pregnant this month." Now, I hate the people who tell you "Just relax" or "Just adopt" to get pregnant. But somehow, I felt like he said the exact right thing.

L'shanah tovah!

IUI #2

So, today was the first day of my second IUI. The count was about the same as last month - 3.8 million sperm, 17% motility. As my MIL said, "At least he's consistent!" I asked the doctor about only abstaining for 36 hours versus the suggested 48, and he said it would probably only have made a 10% difference. When I told this to B, he was relieved. Since the follicle hasn't collapsed yet, I go in tomorrow for another procedure.

He mentioned that we'll probably need to move on to IVF with these consistently low numbers and I asked him if I could schedule an appointment before I get my period. He thankfully replied with, "Of course!" So our consult appointment is next Thursday evening. They gave us a video to watch before we go and a pamphlet of information that revealed the cost - about $14,000 depending on how much our insurance will cover and how much medicine I'd need. As far as I know, they participate in the state grant that helps cover IVF - I'll definitely be asking about it when we go.

On a sad note, the clinic was absolutely swamped this morning. I witnessed a few heartwrenching events. A woman was waiting for a nurse to talk to her about her bloodwork and when she came out and went to the check-out area, her eyes were welling up with tears. I felt so bad for her. While I was in the exam room, another woman was screaming at the staff about not wanting to see them anymore, and she left and slammed the door. And while I was waiting to check out, there was another woman sobbing in the waiting area. The receptionist was trying to console her. I don't know what happened. Even without these occurrences, the clinic is kind of somber. They decorated it nicely and did everything they could to make it relaxing, but you still sit in a room of somber, worried women. I wish we could all be positive and hopeful, but this journey isn't easy.

Now we wait until next week to see where we go from here. I'm bouncing back and forth between happiness that we're moving forward and sadness that we need treatment. Tomorrow and Saturday are the days the three pregnant couples will be making their official announcement...I hope I can make it through. I keep having dreams about holding my baby and I really hope that this next step brings us closer to making the dream come true.

So much for Monday!

I got a positive OPK this afternoon. It was so clearly positive that I didn't have to squint and try to decide. I used a digital anyway and got the cute little smiley face. As an aside - I wish there was a line of OPK's without smiling babies on the box. We need some IF-safe supplies! At least HPT's are more neutral because not everyone wants a positive test result. But OPK's are pretty much for one purpose.

So the IUI is tomorrow at 9:00. This isn't ideal - we thought it would be Friday or Saturday and thus will only have abstained for 1.5 days. B is disappointed because he tried three new things to improve his count - vitamins, boxers, and cutting out artificial sweeteners. Now he feels he won't get as true a result tomorrow. Sigh. We'll see what happens.

On a positive note, I made major progress on my first sock. I've always heard that turning the heel (the part of making a sock that makes the cup part of the heel) was difficult, but it was a breeze. The next part, picking up the stitches to continue making the foot of the sock, threw me. It took me a good hour to figure it out, and in the end I just made it up and it worked. I was probably overly happy, but I felt so accomplished. And I'll take what happiness I can get!

Small update

I went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound. I have one follicle on the left side - this means my husband won our bet. I asked him what side he thought it would be on, and he was right! The doctor said he's 99% sure I'll ovulate either Friday or this weekend, but I start the dreaded OPK's this afternoon just in case. If I don't ovulate by Monday, he'll give me a trigger shot and I'll have the IUI that day and the next.

I asked him about the results of my bloodwork - everything is perfect. I also asked him how we start IVF if our numbers come back as low as they did for our last IUI - we had less than half a million motile sperm after our two inseminations. He said we would schedule an IVF consultation appointment that takes 30-45 minutes and go from there. I really hope that the office will let us make the appointment before I get my period so we don't have to waste any time. I realize that there's always a chance even with low numbers, but I also am pretty well acquainted with this funny thing called reality.

So that's that. I'm not freaked out by the process of IVF. I'll give myself shots. I don't care about being put out for retrieval. I'm fine with frequent bloodwork. Bring it on! I guess I'm more freaked out by the thought that it might work. I don't know how I will deal with success after trying so long. It's been a long time since I've imagined myself pregnant and I think it will be hard to transition from putting all of my energy into TTC to thinking about being a mother. I'm full of bitterness and anger and I don't expect that seeing two pink lines will be the magic wand that takes those feelings away. I'm a long way from needing to worry about this, but it's scary to think about how much IF has changed me and my perspective on the world.

Dealing with it.

I emailed my SIL yesterday to express my happiness over their good news. I also thanked her for the sensitivity she demonstrated towards us...letting my MIL tell us privately helped so much. Not everyone thinks about how their news impacts those struggling with IF. I feel like she understands that our sadness has nothing to do with our happiness for them. She wrote me back to tell me that she has so much hope for us and a good feeling about the next few months...and that she's excited about the idea of us having kids close to the same age. I really appreciated her encouragement. I am so blessed to have such wonderful inlaws.

I think I've mentioned that I love to knit. I actually dye and sell yarn for a living. I've somehow never managed to make a pair of socks. I started a pair this weekend. My plan is to wear these socks if/when we make it to the IVF stage and I have my retrieval. Knitting is like meditation to me...it's repetitive, calming, and something I can completely control. And did I mention that the name of the colorway is "Crazy Woman"? How appropriate. Maybe I should name one of my own colorways "Bitter Woman" or "Infertile Myrtle" or something along those lines.

We're hanging in there and taking things one day at a time. Our first ultrasound for IUI #2 is on Monday. We're either going moving one step closer to being pregnant or towards IVF...either way, I just want a baby already!

Shell Shocked

What a weekend this was.

I've suspected for some time that my oldest SIL is pregnant. There was the incident a month or so ago when we all got together for Chinese and the smell of the food made her sick. A few weeks later we got together again for a BBQ and she spent the last part of the evening on the couch, exhausted. And then when we met up last weekend and she said she couldn't have wine with dinner because she was taking antibiotics.

So when we went to see my MIL this weekend and she said, "I have something to tell you" I knew what was coming. And I was right. But there's more...not only is my SIL pregnant, two of DH's cousins are as well. They're all due in the first weeks of April. So all family events for the next seven months will include three happily pregnant women.

Honestly, this news made me feel like some kind of freak. This will be my SIL and one cousins first baby. It took almost no time for them to conceive. The other cousin already has three children and only has to think about wanting another baby to succeed. It's like I forgot that people actually have sex to get pregnant. I can't imagine a world like that - no temping, no OPK's, no checking cervical fluid...waiting all the way until your missed period before confirming with a HPT. Meanwhile, I have to do all of those things and get the added bonus of being propped up in stirrups for another month of IUI while working on plans for IVF. This news brought me back to the time when I assumed it would happen just as easily for me.

And the news really hit my husband hard. Knowing all of these men got their wives pregnant so quickly just makes him feel inadequate. I really felt like much of the progress we've made towards understanding that MFI does not mean you are less of a man just evaporated. I would argue that dealing with the issue actually makes you a stronger man. But last night we were talking and I said something like, "Where would I be without you?" and he said "You'd probably be on your second kid by now." That really made me sad for him. I've never once wished I was married to someone else. I know he knows that, but hearing him say that hurt.

On the way home that night, I felt numb. My head and heart were racing. It wasn't until the next morning that the tears came. They surprised me. I've tried so hard to fortify myself against these kinds of events and I didn't expect that my little fortress of protectiveness could just vanish. So I spent the day first feeling sad, then guilty for feeling sad (I really love the three women and their spouses, and I want to feel unfettered happiness for them) alone, scared, and bitter.

I'd like to say that I sincerely appreciate my MIL and SIL. They knew how much this would hurt, and did everything they could to lessen the blow. It was my MIL who told me, and I didn't have to face my SIL telling me the news. They plan on announcing their news when we all get together for Rosh Hashanah, and wanted to make sure we knew in advance and weren't bombarded at the party. My MIL also told us that if trying to qualify for the New York State grant for IVF was going to force us to delay treatment, to not worry about it - she will help us out. That was so kind of her to say. The love and support of our families helps, but this. Is. So. Hard.

So that leaves us as pretty much the only couple in our family who isn't pregnant or aren't already parents. And we've been married for over five years now. I'm going to have to come up with some answers for all of the people that are going to ask when we're going to be parents. I want to be honest, direct, and maybe even a little biting. I've smiled and stayed silent for too long.

Infertility really keeps on giving, doesn't it?

Moving On

I've learned from 21 cycles of charting that two days before my period starts I get a dramatic temp drop. That happened this morning, confirming my suspicion that our first IUI didn't work. Why should it have worked? We had less than a million motile sperm, giving us roughly a 1-5% chance. Still, I tried to cling to the belief that we might be in that lucky statistically improbable group. So, assuming tomorrow will be CD1, I will call the RE's office and set up the first appointment for IUI #2.

Which means, of course, that I move closer to IVF. Our doctor isn't optimistic about our chances with IUI, and I'm all about thinking ahead. The thought of IVF both thrills and terrifies me. I might have a chance...or I might end up in debt from a failed gamble.

This weekend I thought about a line from a poem I've always loved, T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." The line states, "I have measured out my life with coffee spoons" and when I thought of it, I reflected on the whole TTC mess. I feel like this whole TTC journey forces me to measure out my life in small two-week spoonfuls. There's the pre-ovulation phase, filled with OPK's and the anticipation of a new cycle. This last cycle introduced the wonders of vaginal ultrasounds and inseminations. Then there's the post-ovulation stage, where every twinge and pain means something significant and your morning temp gives you something to contemplate for the rest of the day. Then before you know it you're back in the first stage...living your life in small two week doses.

What I can't imagine is that this will ever end. Even if I am lucky enough to succeed through IUI or IVF, I can't imagine getting my previous self - optimistic, hopeful, cheerful - back. I don't want to measure out my life in miserly little doses. I want to measure it in gulps...better yet, not measure it at all. I'm just not sure how I will ever make that transition. And I'm tired of figuring out how it will happen.