I went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound. I have one follicle on the left side - this means my husband won our bet. I asked him what side he thought it would be on, and he was right! The doctor said he's 99% sure I'll ovulate either Friday or this weekend, but I start the dreaded OPK's this afternoon just in case. If I don't ovulate by Monday, he'll give me a trigger shot and I'll have the IUI that day and the next.
I asked him about the results of my bloodwork - everything is perfect. I also asked him how we start IVF if our numbers come back as low as they did for our last IUI - we had less than half a million motile sperm after our two inseminations. He said we would schedule an IVF consultation appointment that takes 30-45 minutes and go from there. I really hope that the office will let us make the appointment before I get my period so we don't have to waste any time. I realize that there's always a chance even with low numbers, but I also am pretty well acquainted with this funny thing called reality.
So that's that. I'm not freaked out by the process of IVF. I'll give myself shots. I don't care about being put out for retrieval. I'm fine with frequent bloodwork. Bring it on! I guess I'm more freaked out by the thought that it might work. I don't know how I will deal with success after trying so long. It's been a long time since I've imagined myself pregnant and I think it will be hard to transition from putting all of my energy into TTC to thinking about being a mother. I'm full of bitterness and anger and I don't expect that seeing two pink lines will be the magic wand that takes those feelings away. I'm a long way from needing to worry about this, but it's scary to think about how much IF has changed me and my perspective on the world.
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Funny how that works, huh? I have gotten so used to the trying part that I started to realize that I have NO idea how to be pregnant or a mom. Bringing home a baby is such a theoretical concept to me right now - so yeah, I'm with you.
It's totally normal to feel like you do - infertility leaves battle scars and it doesn't just "go away" when you get those two pink lines.
The good news - at least for me - is that my relationship with J is the strongest it's been. We have a great marriage. And my love for a child that isn't even conceived yet is so huge that I imagine when I do bring home our little one I'd be so full I will want to burst.
It's the things like this that keep me going.
*hug* good luck with this cycle, girl. :)
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