Eight Week Wait

Last night was our IVF consultation. They gave us a handout to read and a video to watch before the appointment. The video was a little cheesy, but I loved seeing the examples of ICSI and assisted hatching. Amazing stuff.

Our RE told us again that we're great candidates for IVF. He said he's almost sure that we'll be using ICSI and that they can't determine the need for AH until the embryos are developing. We learned that all four doctors at the clinic work together as a team, making it easier to get in and out of the clinic for appointments. Assuming our embryos are of good quality, they will only put two back and the chance of twins is ~20%. If the embryo quality is poor, they will talk to us about placing three back.

So if I get my period next week, I'll call the clinic to set up the initial round of appointments - bloodwork, physical, trial transfer, financing, etc. Three weeks later, I would start injections. The entire cycle takes about seven weeks. I have about a week left in this cycle and then a seven week treatment plan, making this a potential eight week wait.

Once again, the doctor was great. Even though I knew just about everything he said (thanks to all of the other Stirrup Queens out there!) he explained things clearly and concisely. He also made some jokes that relaxed B a lot. I appreciated that.

B continues to freak out about the idea of injections and anesthesia. When Dr. C said the nurses will teach him to inject me, I immediately asked if I could also learn. The thought of a nervous husband wielding a needle of drugs scares me! He laughed and said most women do their own shots until it come time for progesterone. It's easier for someone to assist with those.

I joked with my Mom the other day about how my desire to have a child has trumped my long-standing fear of needles. I told her that I remembered how, when I was little, they had to hold me down to get blood. She was amazed that I remembered this because I was barely two. I guess that a bad experience with needles is one of my earliest memories. B asked me how I could possibly not be going crazy at the though of daily injections, bloodwork several times a week, and being put under. Honestly, I don't care. I feel like the doctors can do whatever they want to me as long as we have a chance at success. I actually like the idea of having everything controlled by doctors. For some reason, when we watched that cheesy video, I felt like crying. The miracles of modern technology absolutely amaze me.

So for now I'm waiting this cycle out. I really hope that we get lucky, but if not...I'm ready for the next step.

Announcement(s) Complete

Last night two of the couples made their official pregnancy announcements. I had a few weeks to prepare myself for it, but it was very hard.

After my SIL and her husband made their announcement, the men started high-fiving him. "Good job!" "Taking care of business!" "You're the man!" I can't get the vision of the pain in B's eyes out of my head. I realize these are "typical male" comments, but it just reinforces B's feeling that he's not a "real" man. I have stated this before - I know that dealing with infertility has made us a stronger couple. There were many months before we told anyone and we had only each other to lean on for support. We could have turned against each other, buckling under the strain. Marriages end all the time for lesser reasons. But we turned to each other, grew stronger, and are now battling together. I've stated it before in this blog and I'll state it again - I firmly believe that dealing with MFI makes you a stronger man. I don't care that other men can get their wives pregnant easily. How many men could deal with the stress and pain that we deal with every day and still be a kind, caring, devoted husband? So you have a lot of well-formed sperm and they know how to swim. Do you know the exact right thing to say when your wife breaks down after another failed cycle? Do you know how to make her laugh when the only thing she wants to do is stay in bed all day? Are you man enough to share your feelings of pain and sadness? I wouldn't trade my marriage to B for a whole ocean of perfect sperm.

No one actually asked us when we were going to have kids last night, but I noticed many sidelong glances at my stomach. I received a lot of comments about how "thin" and "great" I look followed by comments on how happy they were for the two couples. Sometimes I think indirect comments are more painful than getting to the point.

But at least it's over. We have our IVF consult this Thursday and I'm holding on tightly to my last bit of hope for our final IUI. Our small chance for success with IUI is still greater than our chances alone. It was perfectly timed with over double the motile sperm of last month. And if it comes down to IVF, we'll deal with it. If we're ever lucky enough to have a child, he or she will surely benefit from the strength and love we developed as a result of our battle with IF, right?

Second IUI

Just a quick post before I start getting ready for the first night of Rosh Hashanah. Our second IUI was today and B had an amazing 3 million sperm with 13% motile. That might not sound amazing, but considering we had only 750,000 on day two of our last IUI, I'm really happy. We ended up with just over a million motile sperm this month. It's far from the 5 million minimum they like to see, but...I'm still hoping.

And I like my RE more each time I see him. He has a very quirky personality. Today he asked if I was able to schedule the IVF consult. I told him it will be next Thursday, and he said "Good. I hope that making that appointment will be enough luck to get you pregnant this month." Now, I hate the people who tell you "Just relax" or "Just adopt" to get pregnant. But somehow, I felt like he said the exact right thing.

L'shanah tovah!

IUI #2

So, today was the first day of my second IUI. The count was about the same as last month - 3.8 million sperm, 17% motility. As my MIL said, "At least he's consistent!" I asked the doctor about only abstaining for 36 hours versus the suggested 48, and he said it would probably only have made a 10% difference. When I told this to B, he was relieved. Since the follicle hasn't collapsed yet, I go in tomorrow for another procedure.

He mentioned that we'll probably need to move on to IVF with these consistently low numbers and I asked him if I could schedule an appointment before I get my period. He thankfully replied with, "Of course!" So our consult appointment is next Thursday evening. They gave us a video to watch before we go and a pamphlet of information that revealed the cost - about $14,000 depending on how much our insurance will cover and how much medicine I'd need. As far as I know, they participate in the state grant that helps cover IVF - I'll definitely be asking about it when we go.

On a sad note, the clinic was absolutely swamped this morning. I witnessed a few heartwrenching events. A woman was waiting for a nurse to talk to her about her bloodwork and when she came out and went to the check-out area, her eyes were welling up with tears. I felt so bad for her. While I was in the exam room, another woman was screaming at the staff about not wanting to see them anymore, and she left and slammed the door. And while I was waiting to check out, there was another woman sobbing in the waiting area. The receptionist was trying to console her. I don't know what happened. Even without these occurrences, the clinic is kind of somber. They decorated it nicely and did everything they could to make it relaxing, but you still sit in a room of somber, worried women. I wish we could all be positive and hopeful, but this journey isn't easy.

Now we wait until next week to see where we go from here. I'm bouncing back and forth between happiness that we're moving forward and sadness that we need treatment. Tomorrow and Saturday are the days the three pregnant couples will be making their official announcement...I hope I can make it through. I keep having dreams about holding my baby and I really hope that this next step brings us closer to making the dream come true.

So much for Monday!

I got a positive OPK this afternoon. It was so clearly positive that I didn't have to squint and try to decide. I used a digital anyway and got the cute little smiley face. As an aside - I wish there was a line of OPK's without smiling babies on the box. We need some IF-safe supplies! At least HPT's are more neutral because not everyone wants a positive test result. But OPK's are pretty much for one purpose.

So the IUI is tomorrow at 9:00. This isn't ideal - we thought it would be Friday or Saturday and thus will only have abstained for 1.5 days. B is disappointed because he tried three new things to improve his count - vitamins, boxers, and cutting out artificial sweeteners. Now he feels he won't get as true a result tomorrow. Sigh. We'll see what happens.

On a positive note, I made major progress on my first sock. I've always heard that turning the heel (the part of making a sock that makes the cup part of the heel) was difficult, but it was a breeze. The next part, picking up the stitches to continue making the foot of the sock, threw me. It took me a good hour to figure it out, and in the end I just made it up and it worked. I was probably overly happy, but I felt so accomplished. And I'll take what happiness I can get!

Small update

I went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound. I have one follicle on the left side - this means my husband won our bet. I asked him what side he thought it would be on, and he was right! The doctor said he's 99% sure I'll ovulate either Friday or this weekend, but I start the dreaded OPK's this afternoon just in case. If I don't ovulate by Monday, he'll give me a trigger shot and I'll have the IUI that day and the next.

I asked him about the results of my bloodwork - everything is perfect. I also asked him how we start IVF if our numbers come back as low as they did for our last IUI - we had less than half a million motile sperm after our two inseminations. He said we would schedule an IVF consultation appointment that takes 30-45 minutes and go from there. I really hope that the office will let us make the appointment before I get my period so we don't have to waste any time. I realize that there's always a chance even with low numbers, but I also am pretty well acquainted with this funny thing called reality.

So that's that. I'm not freaked out by the process of IVF. I'll give myself shots. I don't care about being put out for retrieval. I'm fine with frequent bloodwork. Bring it on! I guess I'm more freaked out by the thought that it might work. I don't know how I will deal with success after trying so long. It's been a long time since I've imagined myself pregnant and I think it will be hard to transition from putting all of my energy into TTC to thinking about being a mother. I'm full of bitterness and anger and I don't expect that seeing two pink lines will be the magic wand that takes those feelings away. I'm a long way from needing to worry about this, but it's scary to think about how much IF has changed me and my perspective on the world.

Dealing with it.

I emailed my SIL yesterday to express my happiness over their good news. I also thanked her for the sensitivity she demonstrated towards us...letting my MIL tell us privately helped so much. Not everyone thinks about how their news impacts those struggling with IF. I feel like she understands that our sadness has nothing to do with our happiness for them. She wrote me back to tell me that she has so much hope for us and a good feeling about the next few months...and that she's excited about the idea of us having kids close to the same age. I really appreciated her encouragement. I am so blessed to have such wonderful inlaws.

I think I've mentioned that I love to knit. I actually dye and sell yarn for a living. I've somehow never managed to make a pair of socks. I started a pair this weekend. My plan is to wear these socks if/when we make it to the IVF stage and I have my retrieval. Knitting is like meditation to me...it's repetitive, calming, and something I can completely control. And did I mention that the name of the colorway is "Crazy Woman"? How appropriate. Maybe I should name one of my own colorways "Bitter Woman" or "Infertile Myrtle" or something along those lines.

We're hanging in there and taking things one day at a time. Our first ultrasound for IUI #2 is on Monday. We're either going moving one step closer to being pregnant or towards IVF...either way, I just want a baby already!

Shell Shocked

What a weekend this was.

I've suspected for some time that my oldest SIL is pregnant. There was the incident a month or so ago when we all got together for Chinese and the smell of the food made her sick. A few weeks later we got together again for a BBQ and she spent the last part of the evening on the couch, exhausted. And then when we met up last weekend and she said she couldn't have wine with dinner because she was taking antibiotics.

So when we went to see my MIL this weekend and she said, "I have something to tell you" I knew what was coming. And I was right. But there's more...not only is my SIL pregnant, two of DH's cousins are as well. They're all due in the first weeks of April. So all family events for the next seven months will include three happily pregnant women.

Honestly, this news made me feel like some kind of freak. This will be my SIL and one cousins first baby. It took almost no time for them to conceive. The other cousin already has three children and only has to think about wanting another baby to succeed. It's like I forgot that people actually have sex to get pregnant. I can't imagine a world like that - no temping, no OPK's, no checking cervical fluid...waiting all the way until your missed period before confirming with a HPT. Meanwhile, I have to do all of those things and get the added bonus of being propped up in stirrups for another month of IUI while working on plans for IVF. This news brought me back to the time when I assumed it would happen just as easily for me.

And the news really hit my husband hard. Knowing all of these men got their wives pregnant so quickly just makes him feel inadequate. I really felt like much of the progress we've made towards understanding that MFI does not mean you are less of a man just evaporated. I would argue that dealing with the issue actually makes you a stronger man. But last night we were talking and I said something like, "Where would I be without you?" and he said "You'd probably be on your second kid by now." That really made me sad for him. I've never once wished I was married to someone else. I know he knows that, but hearing him say that hurt.

On the way home that night, I felt numb. My head and heart were racing. It wasn't until the next morning that the tears came. They surprised me. I've tried so hard to fortify myself against these kinds of events and I didn't expect that my little fortress of protectiveness could just vanish. So I spent the day first feeling sad, then guilty for feeling sad (I really love the three women and their spouses, and I want to feel unfettered happiness for them) alone, scared, and bitter.

I'd like to say that I sincerely appreciate my MIL and SIL. They knew how much this would hurt, and did everything they could to lessen the blow. It was my MIL who told me, and I didn't have to face my SIL telling me the news. They plan on announcing their news when we all get together for Rosh Hashanah, and wanted to make sure we knew in advance and weren't bombarded at the party. My MIL also told us that if trying to qualify for the New York State grant for IVF was going to force us to delay treatment, to not worry about it - she will help us out. That was so kind of her to say. The love and support of our families helps, but this. Is. So. Hard.

So that leaves us as pretty much the only couple in our family who isn't pregnant or aren't already parents. And we've been married for over five years now. I'm going to have to come up with some answers for all of the people that are going to ask when we're going to be parents. I want to be honest, direct, and maybe even a little biting. I've smiled and stayed silent for too long.

Infertility really keeps on giving, doesn't it?

Moving On

I've learned from 21 cycles of charting that two days before my period starts I get a dramatic temp drop. That happened this morning, confirming my suspicion that our first IUI didn't work. Why should it have worked? We had less than a million motile sperm, giving us roughly a 1-5% chance. Still, I tried to cling to the belief that we might be in that lucky statistically improbable group. So, assuming tomorrow will be CD1, I will call the RE's office and set up the first appointment for IUI #2.

Which means, of course, that I move closer to IVF. Our doctor isn't optimistic about our chances with IUI, and I'm all about thinking ahead. The thought of IVF both thrills and terrifies me. I might have a chance...or I might end up in debt from a failed gamble.

This weekend I thought about a line from a poem I've always loved, T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." The line states, "I have measured out my life with coffee spoons" and when I thought of it, I reflected on the whole TTC mess. I feel like this whole TTC journey forces me to measure out my life in small two-week spoonfuls. There's the pre-ovulation phase, filled with OPK's and the anticipation of a new cycle. This last cycle introduced the wonders of vaginal ultrasounds and inseminations. Then there's the post-ovulation stage, where every twinge and pain means something significant and your morning temp gives you something to contemplate for the rest of the day. Then before you know it you're back in the first stage...living your life in small two week doses.

What I can't imagine is that this will ever end. Even if I am lucky enough to succeed through IUI or IVF, I can't imagine getting my previous self - optimistic, hopeful, cheerful - back. I don't want to measure out my life in miserly little doses. I want to measure it in gulps...better yet, not measure it at all. I'm just not sure how I will ever make that transition. And I'm tired of figuring out how it will happen.

IUI, Day 2

Today was our second IUI. As expected, our total count was a lot lower after two days of providing samples. We ended up with 700,000. The motility did go up to 18%. I wish that had happened yesterday! When I received the test tube, I thought for a split second that it said 7 million, but it was really .7 million.

Both the nurse and the RE told us to stay positive, which was nice but a lot easier said than done. I did have another ultrasound to make sure I ovulated, and I did. I asked what I should do next month - schedule another ultrasound on CD11-12 and start with the OPK's. Honestly, I feel like there's nothing but a series of appointments to get through before we will be allowed to proceed to IVF. Yes, I know there's a chance. (Thanks, Sis.) And I know it only takes one. (Thanks, Mom.) I realize why they want to try two cycles of IUI before moving on. I know there are people out there who have had luck with an even lower count. And I really am trying to stay positive. But here, on my little anonymous piece of cyberspace, I can say how much this hurts. The look on my husband's face when he saw the count broke my heart. He's the most amazing person and all I could ever want in a partner. When I see his face cloud over because of something he can't control, I feel like someone is wrenching my insides. And I really think it's a tribute to his inner strength and love for me that he comes home each night and tries to cheer me up.

Several people had their children with them in the waiting room. I never really thought I had an opinion on whether children should be "allowed" in an RE's office. I mean, these kids might well be success stories from the clinic. And sometimes you can't find a sitter. But there's something so painful about seeing these beautiful children laughing and playing in a room full of quiet women. It's the physical precense of what I want and haven't been able to have.I didn't see any bracelets today, but I did pay more attention to the people present. They were all so quiet, introspective, sad. The husbands dotting the room also looked grave. The doctors, nurses, and staff remain upbeat and smiling. They radiate optimism. It's such a contrast.

So, now we wait. My luteal phase averages 12 days so we'll know in less than two weeks. I've decided to keep temping, so I should have an idea around 10-11 days when my temp starts to drop. And I'm holding on to a tiny kernel of hope. I have this beautiful soft sage green yarn...I started making a baby hat last night. It might not happen this month, but it will happen. Do you hear that, infertility? Don't make yourself too comfortable. You're not going to win much longer.

IUI, Day 1

I went in this morning for my IUI. I don't know how it is at other clinics, but at mine you have to pick up the washed sample at the andrology lab across the hall and bring it with you to the nurse. You have to show ID and sign for the sample, and they also triple check that all of the identifying numbers match. They want to make sure that you get the correct sample!

So this gave me the chance to look at the vial before the nurse came in. My heart sank when I saw our post wash count was 4 million, and sank even further when I saw the motility was only 6%. I thought our motility would go up from the 22% on the last SA. It turns out I didn't need to sneak a peek...when my doctor came in to do the insemination, he was very honest. He said that we should do IUI at least one more time, but if our numbers remain this low, we have to move on to IVF.

I appreciate his honesty, but I felt so bad for my husband. After the procedure (which wasn't much worse than a pap smear and took only a minute) they wanted me to stay on the table for ten minutes. We talked about what the doctor said and he expressed his sadness that "he can't have normal numbers and do this like a normal man." He told me how worried he'd be if I went through IVF. And even though this wasn't the most pleasant conversation we've ever had, I'm so glad that he is talking to me about this. When he got the results of his first SA, he couldn't talk to me for several hours. He has this "silent man" mode he retreats to when he's very upset. I'm glad that he felt like opening up without my needing to encourage him.

After the procedure, the doctor checked my follicle with the ultrasound machine and said it hasn't dropped yet. We're going back tomorrow for another IUI. I'm trying so hard to stay positive throughout all of this, but I feel like I've been kicked in my stomach. I just want to curl up and cry. I was so hopeful that our numbers would have gone up, that our SA was just a fluke. I guess we'll see what the numbers are tomorrow. My husband is going to tell the people at work what's going on because he keeps saying he's going with his wife to the doctor and they're getting worried. And if we have to go through IVF, he'll need to go with me even more. I used to be so concerned about keeping our infertility private, but now I don't care who knows. My bracelet seems too subtle - maybe I need a flashing neon sign? Speaking of bracelets, I didn't spot any today at the RE's office.

I've been a fan of Ani DiFranco ( http://www.righteousbabe.com/) since college. Today one of her songs popped into my mind. These are some of the lyrics from her song "Swandive":

i've got a lack of inhibition

i've got a loss of perspective

i've had a little bit to drinkand it's making me think

that i can jump ship and swim

that the ocean will hold me

that there's got to be more

than this boat i'm in

'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail

all the chance that i need

is one-in-a-million

and they can call me brilliant

if i succeed

gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound

i'm just going to get my feet wet

until i drown

That's what I'm holding onto today. The what feels like a one-in-a-million chance we've been given.

Looks like it'll be tomorrow!

I really don't like OPK's. The instructions say it's positive when the test line is as dark as the control line. I always feel like it's almost exactly as dark, but not quite. I was thrilled to find digital tests at the drugstore. I've been using other (cheaper) tests and today I had a test line that was nice and dark. It looked 99.9% as dark as the control line. So I used the digital and it agreed!

It looks like tomorrow will be our first IUI. DH will drop off his sample on the way to work and we'll go to the RE's office later in the morning for the procedure. Fingers and toes and everything else are crossed!

Ultrasound Results

Today I went in for my first ultrasound for this IUI cycle. My RE performed the procedure and went out of his way to explain everything he was measuring and what I was seeing on the screen. I really appreciated that. So many doctors just breeze through a procedure without explaining anything. So I got to see my uterus, which has a lining of appropriate thickness. I saw a big follicle on my right ovary and nothing on my left. The RE thinks the follicle will be ready in a few days. I get to do two OPK tests a day until I get a positive and then we go in for the IUI. Have I mentioned how much I hate OPK's? I feel like I never know for sure if they're positive or almost positive. I was surprised to see that they now have digital tests. It's been months since I've bothered with them. I bought one box of the digital and one box of the regular.

Oh, I looked at the wrists of all the people waiting for their appointment. It's a big and busy center. I didn't see anyone with the pomegranate string.

As with most things relating to infertility, this ultrasound generated conflicting emotions. I feel happiness because we're doing something this cycle. That's a lot better than just going through the motions of another month. It's only been a few months since we learned we are dealing with MFI and have very little chance of a successful natural cycle. I also feel a lot of doubt. I know the stats on success rates using IUI with MFI. They aren't pretty. Larger than we have on our own, but so much smaller than the tantalizing success rates offered with IVF. And finally, I feel fear. I could get pregnant this cycle, right? For the last 16+ months, I've poured everything into TTC. Pregnancy feels like an elusive dream world that I know about but can't visit. Let's assume that this cycle fails and we do one more before moving on to IVF. My sister called to tell me, "You could be pregnant by the end of the year!" That's amazingly difficult for me to think about. On one level, I know that pregnancy is the destination of this journey. It's just that this journey has been long enough to make me forget about the destination...I've been so devoted to surviving the journey that I've overlooked the fact that there is a destination out there.

On a funny note, while I was waiting for the ultrasound, I saw a magazine on the wall that said something about "Fresh, frozen, or canned?" You know you know too much about TTC with ART when you think, "I didn't know they had canned embryos now!" I'm so used to seeing people talk about fresh and frozen IVF cycles that I just didn't think they were talking about something as simple as fruits and veggies!

Some Positive Thoughts

I realize that the name of this blog, "Bitter Ground" isn't the most uplifting title. I am very bitter and hurt. I created this blog to get rid of some of my negative thoughts and connect with others who know how I feel. Plus, I'm a struggling coffee addict and this title reflects my relationship with the sacred brown liquid. :)

Today, I want to focus on some of the good things in my life. These are random and not in order of importance.

1. My husband. He's my best friend and the person I completely rely on for support during this battle with IF. He makes me laugh almost every day and reminds me how lucky I am to have so much love in my life.

2. My MIL. Yes, I have a fantastic relationship with her! My Mom and Dad give me a lot of support, but it's hard because we live in New York and they're in California. My MIL is truly my second mother. She does sweet things like offer to go with me to my RE appointments when DH can't make it - just to give me support. She sends me emails to let me know how positive she feels about everything. I feel so lucky to not have the stereotypical relationship with her!

3. Salads from my favorite little place around here. Walnuts, gorgonzola, and cranberries...do I need to say more?Oh, they know my order before I get to the counter and also have delicious iced tea!

4. My sister and SIL. My sister managed to use grace and tact to share her pregnancy with me. She let me ask her how she was doing, and that helped. And she calls and emails me often to offer support. As for my SIL, she knows what we're going through but we don't really talk about it. We were at a party together and someone brought up how easy it is to get pregnant. She simply said, "We should think about the people who have problems getting pregnant" and managed to switch the direction of the conversation. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that.

I think that's good for now. I feel much better.

Pomegranate Warrior

I bought my beautiful #814 embroidery thread on Friday night. I had a moment of panic when I saw the empty space on the display, but then found some hiding under the other colors. Then...we had to go to Buy Buy Baby. My husband's best friend's wife just gave birth to their third child and we had to attend the bris the next morning. My husband, to his credit, suggested I stay home from the store. I felt touched that he would consider how going could be hard for me, but since I felt buoyed by finding #814, I agreed to go.

Big mistake. At first I felt okay. But when I saw all of the cute little baby clothes, my resolve started to crack. It hurt to see my husband exclaiming over various toys because it made me think for the zillionth time what a good dad he'll be. And I felt like, at any moment, they were going to announce, "Infertiles in aisle three! Infertiles in aisle three!" I know I'm super-sensitive right now, but it seemed like so many people looked at us, observed our lack of children, and then looked at my stomach before looking away. I felt the attraction of all the baby stuff and the feeling that I was some kind of mutant all at the same time.

The next day was the bris. We were told in advance that they wanted DH to be the sandek, the "Jewish Godfather" of the little one. When I saw him participating in this sacred ritual, it just made my heart ache. When will we get the chance to be parents? Thankfully, no one asked us directly why we don't have kids yet. There were some people who hinted by asking, "How long have you been married?" while looking at the baby. But we got through it.

After all the baby stuff this weekend, I felt deflated. All of the optimism I felt regarding our upcoming IUI vanished. So what did I do? I thought about how many "rock bottoms" I'd reached on this journey with infertility and reflected on how I'd always managed to go on. I started to think about all of the good things in my life right now. I looked at the thread on my wrist and thought about how it binds me to others who are feeling the exact same things.

And then I went out and bought a bottle of pomegranate juice. I wanted the fresh fruit, but they aren't available right now. I'm trying to lose a little more weight right now, so I couldn't drink a lot. But I poured myself a shot of the beautiful red juice and toasted all of the people out there who know what I'm going through and are struggling through it, too. And I'm going to keep toasting. It's my new healing ritual.

When I was in college, my suitemates told me about "praying mantis warriors". They said that a female praying mantis often bites the head off the male when they're done mating. She's got what she needs, so off with his head! The term praying mantis warrior referred to a woman who was strong enough to stand up for herself no matter what and would speak out when she was unhappy in a relationship. We all decided to try and live up to the title. Today, I'm declaring myself a Pomegranate Warrior. I'm battling infertility with the help of all the other people out there fighting the same fight. Sometimes it gets me down, but I always manage to keep slogging through. Who's with me?

The Plan

We met with the RE last night. I was jittery all day. I have this almost inherent distrust of doctors. I don't know where this comes from, but I always feel that I'm not going to be taken seriously. I knew he wasn't going to say "It's only been 16 months - let's wait another year!" but I was still apprehensive.

The doctor was a little younger than I thought he'd be after seeing his picture online. He was extremely polite and explained every term in a way that was informative but not condescending. He was also very honest, telling us that my husband's test results border on severe but aren't quite there. He wants him to repeat the test at least once more, probably twice. We were told that if they continue to come back like this one, there's not a lot that can be done to increase the count since we've ruled out varicoceles and other blood-flow issues.

Our current plan is to try an IUI this cycle. This will apparently give us a 20% chance, about what we would get if we had no issues. I like that he said we could try it for 2 or 3 months depending on how fast we want to proceed. Plus, IUI is covered by our insurance! It would be wonderful to skip the whole money draining black hole of IVF. Speaking of IVF, he said that we are excellent candidates for it if it comes down to that because of our age and health. It also helps that my tests (so far) have all come back normal.

I get to have repeat CD3 bloodwork on Monday. I'm scheduled for an ultrasound a week from Monday and at that point we'll talk about setting up the date for the IUI. They sometimes do them two consecutive days, so we'll see if they think that's best for us.

Right now, I'm battling two conflicting emotions, something that I've become an expert at since entering this struggle with infertility. On one hand, I feel elated that we're moving forward and doing something. I despise the whole "wait a year and call us" attitude we take towards people dealing with IF. I love the idea that we're going to have the same odds as a "regular" couple for this next cycle. On the other hand, I'm impatient. I don't like the idea of waiting another 2-3 months to try and get pregnant. I understand that it's the best way to go, but I've had my fill of waiting.

I'm going to focus on making this a positive experience. I plan on getting back to the gym, trying meditation, and eating healthy food. I'm not sure how much of a connection exists between mind and body, but I'm going to do everything I can to make this upbeat. Fingers crossed!

Random Humorous Moment

So I had to go to my OBGYN's office today to get a copy of my medical file to bring to the RE tomorrow. I'm sure he could get a copy on his own, but I thought it would be good to have a copy for my records. I'm short on stuff to overanalyze right now anyway. The results of my bloodwork and cultures were all there, but nothing for my HSG. The people working in the office needed to call the hospital to find out why they didn't send a copy. The test was all the way back in May!

They weren't sure which department to call, so I told them it was radiology. They didn't really seem to know what an HSG was. One of them told me "Your HCG urine test was negative when you were here in April." Really? That's a shock! Can you tell that they don't see a lot of people dealing with infertility? I was my usual helpful, patient self. But then one of the women asked me:

"Are you sure you had this test done?"

Ummm...did I dream about being on a cold table in a cold room in a very undignified position while a catheter was inserted in my cervix and my tubes filled with cramp-inducing dye? For some reason, I wanted to laugh hysterically. But I kept my composure. To be fair, my doctor is awesome and I appreciated her kindness and understanding.

It turned into a two hour visit, but I have my test results. Everything is normal so far. I hope whatever tests the RE orders will keep showing that I'm normal. It would be nice to "only" have to deal with MFI.

I can't wait until tomorrow when I see the RE! I hope he's understanding, compassionate, and aggressive. Let's get this show on the road already!

Flashback: Prenatal Vitamins

As much as I'd like my journey with IF to progress quickly and smoothly until it reaches the logical end - a baby - most of my time is spent waiting. Waiting for appointments to come and go. Waiting for lab results. Waiting for test results based on lab results. Blah blah blah. I thought it would be interesting to explore some of the moments along this journey as I wait for something to happen. This week, that would be my first RE appointment on Thursday.

Everyone knows that prenatal vitamins are important when you're TTC. So when I decided to stop taking BCP's, I thought it was time to make the switch from my Flintstone chewable to a more "adult" vitamin. For some reason, this made me feel more grown up than ever before. I was declaring my intent to have a baby! I was making a responsible first step!

I stood in Target trying to decide between all the brands. Unlike my previous visits to Target for birth control or feminine hygiene products, I didn't feel like I had to skulk through the aisle and make a strategic grab for an "embarrassing" product. I studied all the bottles with pride. When I finally chose one, I noticed it had 100 pills. Enough for about three months. And I actually thought "I might be pregnant when I run out of these and have to get more!"

Now I buy my prenatals at Costco in bottles containing 300 pills. I try not to think about what will happen when I get to the end of the bottle still facing infertility. I feel a little twinge when I think about the optimistic girl standing in Target. I know I'm much more jaded now. But...still...I feel the faintest whisper of hope. And I guess that's what keeps me going through all the waiting, worrying, and longing. Is there anything positive about infertility? Nothing that I wouldn't give up in a heartbeat to make it go away. But I have learned so much about reaching down into myself for just a little more hope, a little more patience, a little more strength. I've never come up empty handed. I plan on beating infertility into a bloody pulp one day...but when that time comes, I hope I'll be able to hold on to the lessons I've learned along the way.

Introductions are in order!

I've found myself in a place I never thought I'd be - the land of infertility. I always believed my sex-ed teachers in high school when they told us that the only safe sex was no sex. When I became sexually active, I spent each month in agony waiting for my period. And when my husband and I decided it was time to start trying, I thought it would take a few months. Six months at most. Never more than a year. Ha.

It's been sixteen months now and I've never seen anything but stark white pregnancy tests. We recently found out we're dealing with MFI - my husband's urologist bluntly stated we need to think about IVF. Now we're working on finishing up my tests and meeting with an RE to discuss our options.

Dealing with infertility has changed me in many ways. I've learned to be more patient and appreciate the kindness of my friends and family. But I 've also developed this almost primal rage and anger that seems to always be just below the surface. I hope to use this blog as a pressure relief valve for these feelings. I know that reading other infertility blogs really helps me deal with this mess, and I hope that I can return the favor to other people.

Thanks for reading this - I look forward to discussing my thoughts and feelings in the time ahead!