As much as I'd like my journey with IF to progress quickly and smoothly until it reaches the logical end - a baby - most of my time is spent waiting. Waiting for appointments to come and go. Waiting for lab results. Waiting for test results based on lab results. Blah blah blah. I thought it would be interesting to explore some of the moments along this journey as I wait for something to happen. This week, that would be my first RE appointment on Thursday.
Everyone knows that prenatal vitamins are important when you're TTC. So when I decided to stop taking BCP's, I thought it was time to make the switch from my Flintstone chewable to a more "adult" vitamin. For some reason, this made me feel more grown up than ever before. I was declaring my intent to have a baby! I was making a responsible first step!
I stood in Target trying to decide between all the brands. Unlike my previous visits to Target for birth control or feminine hygiene products, I didn't feel like I had to skulk through the aisle and make a strategic grab for an "embarrassing" product. I studied all the bottles with pride. When I finally chose one, I noticed it had 100 pills. Enough for about three months. And I actually thought "I might be pregnant when I run out of these and have to get more!"
Now I buy my prenatals at Costco in bottles containing 300 pills. I try not to think about what will happen when I get to the end of the bottle still facing infertility. I feel a little twinge when I think about the optimistic girl standing in Target. I know I'm much more jaded now. But...still...I feel the faintest whisper of hope. And I guess that's what keeps me going through all the waiting, worrying, and longing. Is there anything positive about infertility? Nothing that I wouldn't give up in a heartbeat to make it go away. But I have learned so much about reaching down into myself for just a little more hope, a little more patience, a little more strength. I've never come up empty handed. I plan on beating infertility into a bloody pulp one day...but when that time comes, I hope I'll be able to hold on to the lessons I've learned along the way.