A spectrum of emotions

I don't remember exactly when B gave me this little bear. I know we were maybe 6 months into TTC and it was once again CD1. I had a stressful day at work and classes that night. He picked me up from school and gave the bear to me "because I know you're sad and stressed and I love you." So now I have the bear right next to my alarm clock so I can see it every morning. I've certainly needed some sunshine the last few days.

The weekend and yesterday were really hard for me. On Sunday we had the unveiling of the headstone for my FIL. If you're not familiar with this, it's a Jewish custom that some time after the death of a loved one you get close friends and family back together for a small service where the headstone is officially presented. I can't believe that it's been almost a year since my FIL passed away. It was so unexpected and hard and unfair. He was an amazing person and we all miss him so much. And even though it makes me feel selfish for thinking about myself during the ceremony, it made me reflect on the last year. At the shiva last December, the cantor (a close friend of my FIL) actually came up to me, touched my stomach, and said, "Soon. You need to give the family something happy to look forward to." There was nothing I wanted more at that point than to do that. I had a 17 day luteal phase that cycle, the longest ever. I know it was because of stress and grief, but we didn't know yet about the MFI and I still had so much hope. As soon as the cantor (the same one) started singing on Sunday, it brought everything back.

We managed to make it through the ceremony. At the end, we all poured rosewater on the grave (a Sephardic/Middle Eastern custom...B's father's family is Iranian) to sweeten the earth and placed flowers. When I placed mine, I told him that I'm doing everything I can to have a baby and asked him for his blessing. I told him I'm doing my best to support B and his family as we grieve. I wish I could convey to everyone what a wonderful grandfather he would have been. All of the things that make B so amazing to me are a reflection of his parents. You know how we look at the pregnant drug addicted prostitute and rage that she can have a baby? I think about the horrible people out there right now alive and well and rage that my FIL is no longer with us. It's just so completely unfair.

I don't know if it was my sadness or because of my period arriving, but I started having hot and cold flashes that day. They left me tired and jumpy. After a horrible night of sleep I spent yesterday on edge. I was sad and angry and really annoyed at every little thing. After I was able to calm down, I realized part of why I was upset: I still haven't been able to get pregnant. We're going through an IVF cycle right now, and I still might not be pregnant when we're done. I've tried really hard to take this process one step at a time, but yesterday I was overwhelmed by the fear that this might not work. A year from now I might still be reflecting on all we've lost and everything we've been through and might still be childless. And that thought just infuriates me.

In the end, B helped me feel better. He talked to me, cooked me dinner, and did all kinds of cute things to show me he's worried about me. My next appointment is on Thursday. If all goes well, I'll start the stims that night. I'm trying to learn to balance this lurking fear with positive thinking and hope. When I do my meditation and focus on the "smiling ancestors" surrounding me, I can feel my FIL and other lost loved ones near me. I'm holding tight to that feeling. I hope it will help me get through this.