Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Hope

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

Yes, I have a degree in English Lit. I've loved Emily Dickinson since I first read her poetry in junior high. This poem came to my mind after this morning when I took another test and saw a line almost immediately. I used a different test - the generic Rite Aid brand. It was either that or another AccuClear and I wanted something else. Isn't that typical - I've spent so long wishing for a positive test, but when I get one (or two) I think that the test must be defective. Even now I want to go on a HPT spree to put my mind at ease, but I know that even 100 positive tests won't completely calm me down. I was a worrier before IF, and I can't say that IF has improved my situation.

I thought today's test might be positive because last night I started having the weird pains I had when I started developing OHSS. When I rolled onto my side to sleep, I had a sore muscle kind of feeling that eventually prevented me from sleeping on my side at all. I'm also a little more bloated this morning after losing most of my water weight. I have some cramping and a tiny bit of brown spotting. And everything makes me want to cry.

I know that there are still many things we have to get through...Friday's bloodtest and the first few weeks among them. But for now I just feel a sense of amazement. I can't wait for B to come home. I haven't told him about any of my tests because I know he doesn't like me testing at all. I don't know what I'm going to say. Maybe I'll just hand him the tests.

Thanks to all of you out there who put up with my obsessive whining the last few days. I know it must have been annoying, but writing down my thoughts and fears helps relax my mind a little bit. I really appreciate your thoughts and support.

8 comments:

serenity said...

WOO HOO!!!!! THAT'S GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!

Can't wait to see what the beta results are. WOO WHEE!!!

Michelle said...

I AM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED FOR YOU!!! :) :) :)

And please, no apologies for whining and you've not been annoying, not in the least bit. (You may recall my similar angst.) I had to chuckle at the thought of you handing B a pile of positive HPTs. T knew that I'd lost it - I called him into the bathroom each time I tested to look at my array of tests and confirm that he also saw lines. Maybe now is the time to try the digital again - that would be a good one to hand him. :)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Hopeful Mother said...

How exciting!!

aah0424 said...

That is wonderful! I can't wait to see what the beta says

BeckyZ said...

Congratulations are in order I think! I'll be checking back to see what your beta is--I'm sure it'll be a high #

spark said...

That is great news!! Good luck on the beta!!

I've already gone through quite a few HPTs (and OPKs for kicks) - and two late-night MUST-buy-more-HPTs trips to the pharmacy.

lola said...

I just wanted to send big congratulations your way!

I have also used 2 different brands of HPTs so far because it's impossible to "trust" just one brand.

Here's to a happy holiday season with renewed hope!

ms. c said...

Wow, that's a whole whack of positives! Can't wait for tomorrow's beta results.
(And-PLEASE-no worries about the whining. We like whining. We all whine, and we all are hear to listen!)