Friday, February 16, 2007

Unearthing my emotions

We were finally able to tell the rest of our friends and family our news. It's nice to be open with everyone. I'm still struggling with the whole infertility thing. For example, B's pregnant cousin was telling everyone how she tested and found out she was pregnant. She asked me how I found out and if I thought it would be positive. I wanted to tell everyone about how I knew exactly when to test and explain my week of HPT madness followed by the obligatory repeat betas. But I chickened out and just told them I took a test and it was positive. True, but not the complete story. A part of it might be that I've always struggled with speaking to a group of people, regardless of how well I know them. But I was still angry with myself for not being more direct.

The next night we got together for a Superbowl party at my SIL's apartment. I was speaking to her MIL about the pregnancy and she started asking me questions that I couldn't really answer without coming clean. So I told her everything except our diagnosis. B is still not sure how he wants to deal with telling/not telling about the MFI, and I respect his wishes. I was surprised by two things...one, it felt better than I thought it would to tell someone who knew nothing about our struggles what we went through. Two, I was so nervous/scared to take that first step that my hands turned cold and started shaking. But unlike the night before, I was happy with myself when we went home.

I hope to continue sharing our story with others in the future. I guess if anyone ever wants to see our collection of ultrasound pictures they'll know because we have the picture of our little embryos. It just continues to bother me that I have such a hard time talking about this. I have to wonder - if we had dealt with some other medical issue, would it still be this hard? Why, when I know intellectually that infertility isn't something to be embarrassed about, do I struggle like this? I think that so much of our struggle was my internal battle. I turned a lot of my feelings inward and directed a lot of my anger and pain at myself. Now it's all wrapped up in one big personal ball of yuck. Sharing it with others feels like giving them a glimpse at my soul. Even though I'm close to these people, once you let them see into your heart like that, you can't just take it back. It's so...invasive. I see now that a lot of my feelings were ignored and put aside as I focused all of my energy on getting through whatever appointment/treatment/phone call needed to be dealt with that day. Now that these feelings are ready to be dealt with, it scares me.

In happier news, my doctor gave me permission to continue dyeing my yarn and I was able to start on Monday. Seeing a box filled with bright, cheerful colors that I created makes me feel so happy.

I hope everyone has a good weekend...if you're also feeling the effects of the lovely winter storm that happened earlier this week, my sympathies. It's a mess out there!

2 comments:

Embellishknits said...

Ke

You posted on my blog and asked about the sock yarn - It is Anne but there is no color or # on the tag.

FYI - when you post on someone's blog they can't reply to your post. Leaving an email address makes it much easier to answer!

Debbie

Michelle said...

Hey KE - how are things going? When's the big US? Are you guys finding out? Hope all is well!