Update - the results are in!

When we first found out I was pregnant, I thought it was a girl. All of my family and friends thought I was having a girl as well. They said I have a "girl" personality. I'm not sure what that means, but I think they mean it in a good way. I tried the ring test and consulted the Chinese gender chart - both said girl. B was the only person who insisted from the start that we were having a boy, mostly because he was hoping for a girl. It became a joke between us in the long wait we had to 20 weeks.

Our ultrasound was scheduled for March 27. My MIL came with us and we were lucky - her friend is an ultrasound technician at the hospital and she was able to do the ultrasound. After she established the position of the baby, this is what we saw.

I looked at B and said "You were right, I admit it!" He didn't know what we were seeing on the screen at first, but our helpful friend typed "boy" on the screen for him and circled the appropriate area. We both had tears in our eyes. My MIL was with us and she just started whooping. I wonder what the people in the hall thought?

The rest of the ultrasound went well. All measurements were normal. We also got a few more looks between the legs. He's not shy, this one. And then the technician surprised us by switching to 4D...this isn't something she was supposed to do, but she did it because she is friends with my MIL. This is my favorite shot from the ultrasound.

Something about seeing that little face just went right to my heart. I felt much of the bitterness, sadness, and anger vanish when I saw him there. I can't even explain how it felt. It was like I wasn't really allowing myself to feel a lot of hope or excitement until that point and then all of those repressed feelings just started erupting. I still feel it today.

That night when B came home from work we took a walk and had a talk. He said he never considered how important it was to him that we have a boy because he really wanted a girl. But he thought about his Dad and how this baby will carry his name forward. Only one other cousin in our immediate family will pass that name on if he and his wife have a boy, and it's important to him to carry on the tradition. It was a teary conversation, but it was good to talk about our feelings and move forward with the rest of this journey.

So now we're trying to pick a name. We're calling him Baby S for now because we want an S name to honor my father-in-law. The middle name will be my maiden name, something that really touched my parents. We're heading to California in a few weeks to see my family. I haven't been "home" in almost a year - our December trip was postponed because of OHSS. We're planning a special surprise for my Mom - a 4D ultrasound. I never really thought it was necessary, but she's been so sad that she couldn't be here for any of my appointments and we thought this would make her feel included. Plus, who could turn down the chance at seeing that face again?

I hope to update this blog with a little more regularity. I'm still learning how not to feel guilty for feeling so happy and excited about this pregnancy. I never stop thinking about the people out there who are still waiting and hoping...you are always in my thoughts and I still read your blogs even when I don't comment. It's weird to be an infertile pregnant person, and I'm still trying to find my stride.

Unearthing my emotions

We were finally able to tell the rest of our friends and family our news. It's nice to be open with everyone. I'm still struggling with the whole infertility thing. For example, B's pregnant cousin was telling everyone how she tested and found out she was pregnant. She asked me how I found out and if I thought it would be positive. I wanted to tell everyone about how I knew exactly when to test and explain my week of HPT madness followed by the obligatory repeat betas. But I chickened out and just told them I took a test and it was positive. True, but not the complete story. A part of it might be that I've always struggled with speaking to a group of people, regardless of how well I know them. But I was still angry with myself for not being more direct.

The next night we got together for a Superbowl party at my SIL's apartment. I was speaking to her MIL about the pregnancy and she started asking me questions that I couldn't really answer without coming clean. So I told her everything except our diagnosis. B is still not sure how he wants to deal with telling/not telling about the MFI, and I respect his wishes. I was surprised by two things...one, it felt better than I thought it would to tell someone who knew nothing about our struggles what we went through. Two, I was so nervous/scared to take that first step that my hands turned cold and started shaking. But unlike the night before, I was happy with myself when we went home.

I hope to continue sharing our story with others in the future. I guess if anyone ever wants to see our collection of ultrasound pictures they'll know because we have the picture of our little embryos. It just continues to bother me that I have such a hard time talking about this. I have to wonder - if we had dealt with some other medical issue, would it still be this hard? Why, when I know intellectually that infertility isn't something to be embarrassed about, do I struggle like this? I think that so much of our struggle was my internal battle. I turned a lot of my feelings inward and directed a lot of my anger and pain at myself. Now it's all wrapped up in one big personal ball of yuck. Sharing it with others feels like giving them a glimpse at my soul. Even though I'm close to these people, once you let them see into your heart like that, you can't just take it back. It's so...invasive. I see now that a lot of my feelings were ignored and put aside as I focused all of my energy on getting through whatever appointment/treatment/phone call needed to be dealt with that day. Now that these feelings are ready to be dealt with, it scares me.

In happier news, my doctor gave me permission to continue dyeing my yarn and I was able to start on Monday. Seeing a box filled with bright, cheerful colors that I created makes me feel so happy.

I hope everyone has a good weekend...if you're also feeling the effects of the lovely winter storm that happened earlier this week, my sympathies. It's a mess out there!

6 Weeks?

I can't believe that it's been six weeks since I posted to this blog.

So far everything continues to go well. I was released by my RE at 7 weeks after we saw the most wonderous thing - a tiny beating heart. Dr. C seemed genuinely happy and reminded us that he'll be there when we're ready for a FET. I was also told to stop my PIO at 9 weeks, which meant my last shot was the day before my birthday. That was an awesome gift, let me tell you. B kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday and I wasn't kidding when I told him being able to sleep without the pain of the lumps from the PIO was more than enough!

My first OB appointment was a week later. My OBGYN is really nice and she's the one who ordered the initial testing for me when I went to her at the one year of TTC mark. She went out of her way to make me feel good about having made it through IVF. Then came the best part - another ultrasound.

After this ultrasound we started calling the baby "gummy bear". It was amazing to see little arm and leg buds and we also got a great view of the spine.

And today was our ultrascreen/nuchal test. I pricked my finger at home at around 10 weeks - pre-IVF that little lancet would have scared me, but it didn't bother me at all. Since I'd already done the bloodwork, they were able to tell me right away that our odds for Down's went from 1/711 to 1/>10,000. The risk for Trisomy 18/13 went from 1/1,259 to 1/>10,000 as well. The nurse told me that my risk was in the range for a 20 year old. Whew! And we got some really amazing pictures. This is my favorite - my sister said that he/she already sucks his/her thumb like I did as a baby:

I think he/she looks pretty comfy in there. I drank some orange juice an hour before the ultrasound and the baby was moving all over the place. Even the technician thought it was funny. I was in awe of this little creature who suddenly looked so human. Unfortunately, B was not able to come to this appointment. We thought that we were going to have an ultrasound at my regular 12 week appointment and he came to that...but we "only" heard the heartbeat on the Doppler. He's working out of town this week and it would have been very hard for him to make it back here for the appointment. I was lucky enough to have my MIL with me, and while we were waiting for the results she reunited with one of the people she used to work with as a sonographer. So for our 20 week ultrasound if she's available, she'll do it. That made me feel good because if the orange juice doesn't work I feel like she would be more patient trying to find out the sex. I have a strong feeling that it's a girl, and B told me he really, really wants it to be a girl, too. Of course we're happy with anything, but since everyone thinks it's a girl it will probably be a boy. :) And tomorrow we're going to tell most of B's family our news at a family dinner.

So that's what's been going on here. I've been struggling lately with the aftermath of IVF and infertility. I can honestly say that becoming pregnant does not relieve all of the stress, worry, and emotional pain. It's like post traumatic stress disorder. I sometimes feel like I don't belong anywhere. And there are so many irritating pregnant people. You know the fertile people who announce they're FINALLY pregnant after 2 months of trying? They transform into pregnant people who fall into deep depression over their disappointment in the baby's gender. I can understand a preference, but do we really need message boards devoted to this disappointment? And I keep running across the book "My Boys Can Swim!" which is supposed to be a guy's guide to fatherhood. I don't think B would even open that one up. I was also fortunate enough to read a post claiming that people who can't get pregnant on their own are not meant to have children and all IVF babies carry a genetic deformity. Sigh.

Right now I guess I prefer my role as the undercover infertile. I can pass as a pregnant person and do my best to educate people on how insensitive their comments can be. Just because I'm lucky enough to be pregnant doesn't mean it's easy. I'm still working on adjusting. And I hope to be able to blog more regularly to help me sort this out.

6 week ultrasound

Today I had another ultrasound and got to see a teeny tiny speck inside the sac:

I thought I saw a little flicker when the doctor was moving the wand around, but he didn't see it. I know it's really early to see anything, but I was still hoping. :) He said everything looks great - my ovaries are almost back to a normal size and it seems the danger of getting OHSS again has passed. I'm going back next week for another ultrasound and if we see the heartbeat, I'll be released to my OBGYN. He told me I'll graduate and shook my hand. I wanted to hug him.

I was feeling pretty good until yesterday - just tired and bloated. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had to buy a pair of maternity jeans. I didn't want to do this, in large part because I'm superstitious, but I had no choice. I'm blaming it on the OHSS bloat that stuck around. I tried on a zillion pairs of pants in a larger size, but they looked ridiculous. I'm also starting to get bouts of nausea. I can't complain, though. I don't think I've ever felt so content. All of this continues to feel like a dream.

It's strange to think that my next ultrasound will fall on the one year anniversary of my FIL's death. I've thought a lot about him during this whole process. I know that he's with us in spirit but I wish he could be here for our good news. After his death there was so much sadness and chaos. It's hard to believe that one year later so many positive things have happened. My FIL was the kind of person who could strike a bargain with anyone and make them feel like they were getting the better deal even if they weren't. We sometimes joke that he's negotiating deals for us even now. It doesn't feel like a joke these days.

I haven't felt like writing or much of anything the last few weeks...I hope that changes soon. Happy holidays to everyone!

Yet another update

It's been a long time since I've posted. I've been so tired and grumpy. We both caught a coughing cold at the same time and kept each other up at night, miserable. Lots of cough drops and a humidifier have helped a lot and we are now catching up on a lot of missed sleep. Today is the first day I've felt close to normal.

On Saturday we told our parents. I called my Mom pretending to be interested in the free flight she recently earned, asking her how she did it, how long it took to get the miles, etc. Then I asked her how she'd like to use that trip sometime in August. She caught on right away and was so happy. My Dad was at work so I called him and he was also very happy. It's weird - our anniversary is August 5 and last year we went to Niagara Falls to celebrate. We took long walks and hoped that we'd have good news by the time our next anniversary came around. At that point we hadn't even seen our RE yet, though we did have the appointment set up. Even though the months between diagnosis and IVF seemed interminable, when I remind myself where we were in August it seems like almost no time at all.

We went to B's Mom's apartment for dinner as we often do on Saturday. I took a picture of my digital HPT with the embryo picture in the background and printed a copy. We bought a Hanukkah card and put the picture inside. When she opened it she looked shocked. She wanted to know if we were sure, and I told her I had the beta early. Much shrieking, hugging, and tearing up followed. Then she called everyone who knows about the IVF to share the news.

Yesterday I had my OHSS monitoring appointment. My ovaries are still enlarged, but he said they're slowly going down. The pain I still feel when moving a certain way or walking too much is normal. The fluid inside my abdominal cavity is also going away. He was pleased with my progress. Then he took a look at my uterus:

The small dot in the middle of the image is our little embryo. So far it looks like there's one hanging out in there. It was totally amazing to see that little spot on the screen. So amazing, in fact, that I did something a little sneaky. After he left the room so I could get dressed, I noticed the image was still on the screen. I also saw the print button. Since you're looking at the image, you can guess what I did. How could I not?

When the nurse called me back with my bloodwork results, I asked her what my beta numbers were. On Friday (11dp5dt or 16 dpo) it was 65. Yesterday (16dp5dt or 21 dpo) it was 704. She said they are rising perfectly. I also continue to have normal hematocrit, another sign that the OHSS might stay away. Please, please, please!

B surprised me last night when he admitted to me that he wanted it to be twins. I had no idea he felt that way. We had a good talk about our feelings and it was the first time we really talked with the idea that this might just work. We're both big worriers, though I am the optimist in our relationship. I'm glad we were able to share some of our thoughts with each other.

My next appointment will be next Wednesday at 6 weeks. Still early to see a heartbeat, but that doesn't stop me from hoping anyway. I thought that I would be glad when the 2ww was over, and I am. But there's still a lot of waiting and hoping going on.

It's official

My doctor just called to tell me that I'm pregnant. I didn't realize how hard it would be to type the "p" word. I even went back and deleted it a few times and tried to reword the sentence. It's hard to just let go of my fears and worries about what could happen. It's also hard to accept that what I've wanted for so long might actually be a possibility now. I'm not really a relaxed person when it comes to IF. Right now I'm going to do everything I can to enjoy each day as it comes without worrying too much about the next day. Easier said than done, of course.

I told B on Wednesday night. I handed him the last test and he just looked at me.

"What's this?"
"Two lines."
"But...one is lighter than the other!"

After I explained that a line is a line (it's easy to explain that to someone else, but not so easy to accept) he gave me the sweetest smile. He didn't want to get too excited until the bloodtest came back, but he gave me a lot of smiles that night, some when he thought I wasn't looking. He's one of the most pessimistic people I know, so I know he's even more worried than me. We're going to have to work on the relaxing thing together.

I also told my sister. I promised her back when we started TTC that she would be the second person I told. So when she answered the phone, that's what I said: "I told you you'd be the second person!" She has been such a source of strength and support to me during the whole IF process. I was so happy to give her the news.

Now we have a little time to relish the news before we tell our parents. See, everyone thinks my bloodtest is on Monday. When they switched it to Friday, I didn't tell anyone but B. Our families have done so much for us during IVF. It's been wonderful to turn to them when we're nervous or scared. But this also means that they know the timing of everything. They're waiting for Monday as impatiently as I was. Now that we have the news sooner, we can surprise them. It's not exactly like we planned when we started TTC, but it's something. The plan is to call my parents tomorrow and tell B's Mom when we see her tomorrow for dinner. We always wanted to tell the family who had to hear it over the phone first, and we're sticking with that plan.

I go back on Wednesday for OHSS monitoring. My doctor said there's no signs that the OHSS is coming back, but they want to be vigilant. Maybe I'll even get a sneak peek at what's going on in my uterus. :)

Hope

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

Yes, I have a degree in English Lit. I've loved Emily Dickinson since I first read her poetry in junior high. This poem came to my mind after this morning when I took another test and saw a line almost immediately. I used a different test - the generic Rite Aid brand. It was either that or another AccuClear and I wanted something else. Isn't that typical - I've spent so long wishing for a positive test, but when I get one (or two) I think that the test must be defective. Even now I want to go on a HPT spree to put my mind at ease, but I know that even 100 positive tests won't completely calm me down. I was a worrier before IF, and I can't say that IF has improved my situation.

I thought today's test might be positive because last night I started having the weird pains I had when I started developing OHSS. When I rolled onto my side to sleep, I had a sore muscle kind of feeling that eventually prevented me from sleeping on my side at all. I'm also a little more bloated this morning after losing most of my water weight. I have some cramping and a tiny bit of brown spotting. And everything makes me want to cry.

I know that there are still many things we have to get through...Friday's bloodtest and the first few weeks among them. But for now I just feel a sense of amazement. I can't wait for B to come home. I haven't told him about any of my tests because I know he doesn't like me testing at all. I don't know what I'm going to say. Maybe I'll just hand him the tests.

Thanks to all of you out there who put up with my obsessive whining the last few days. I know it must have been annoying, but writing down my thoughts and fears helps relax my mind a little bit. I really appreciate your thoughts and support.

The saga continues

I tested yesterday with a brand new AccuClear. I managed to wait about four hours before producing my sample. I put the test on the sink and took a quick shower. When I got out, I immediately saw a line. I've only seen a second line on an HPT when I was being silly and tested after my trigger shot.

Then I realized that test results aren't valid after 10 minutes. I don't know how much I believe this because I've thrown away stark white tests and come across them days later and they were still white. And my trigger-test is the same color now as it was when it registered positive. My shower was very quick, but I started thinking "Well, maybe I was in there 11 minutes!" So I decided to test again today.

After several minutes, I had another line. It was faint, but not something I had to squint to see. Again, I worry because the test says you get results in three minutes, but to disregard results visible after ten. This was visible in less than ten, but probably not in three. I decided to try a digital...it gave me a definitive "Not Pregnant". As far as I know, both of these tests have the same sensitivity.

I don't know what to do. I went in for another appointment yesterday and had more bloodwork done. When the phlebotomist was labeling my vials, I thought I saw that the bloodwork order was testing HCGQ and PROG as well as my hematocrit. When I heard back from the IVF nurse, she said my results were normal and that I should come in Friday for one last checkup because my doctor wants to make sure I'm still doing well before the weekend...and that I should have my beta done at that point instead of on Monday. Are they worried that my OHSS might come back because I had a positive bloodtest? Or do they see that there's no hope for me and want to put me out of my misery a few days earlier? Did I imagine that I saw that on the order?

So I guess I'm still in limbo for now. It's 8dp5dt and I feel like I would have a line by now if it worked. I'm going to have to get another brand of test sometime today and get ready to repeat all of this tomorrow.

Stark White

I gave into temptation this morning and tested at 6dp5dt. Nothing. Not even a hint of a line. Not even a line that could only be seen in super bright light when held at a weird angle.

I admit that the testing conditions weren't ideal. The only test I could find expired 8/06. A little time spent with Google revealed that this wasn't a good idea. It seems like expired tests give false negatives and positives. I've purchased two brand new tests for the future. I also didn't have a very good sample. I know that concentrated FMU is best, but that wasn't possible. I have to drink a lot of water to combat the OHSS bloating and have been visiting the bathroom every hour. While this has helped me lose 8 pounds of water weight, it isn't ideal for testing. And yes, 6dp5dt is still early. I would never have tested 11 DPO in a non-IVF cycle. Despite these rationalizations, I just feel down about my chances. I don't have any feelings or symptoms that can't be explained by the PIO or OHSS.

In other related news, I continue to recover from the OHSS. I saw my doctor on Friday and learned I had gained an amazing 20 pounds. Assuming 5 pounds of that can be attributed to my less than wonderful eating habits while on stims, that's 15 pounds of water. Most of that showed up in only a few hours. My bloodwork came back normal and I am going back tomorrow for another checkup. He wants to keep a close watch on me, especially if I'm pregnant. I have to say that OHSS is very cruel to a person in the 2ww. No matter what I wear, I look about 6 months along. This glimpse of what could be burns. We skipped a family gathering today because it would be hard to explain my new bulge and I just wasn't up to dealing with happy pregnant people even though I care about them. This isn't how I usually deal with life, but I just need to look out for myself right now.

I think I might test again tomorrow.

Feeling better

Thanks for all of your good wishes! I am slowly feeling better. Almost all of the nausea is gone and I've been able to eat solid food. Right now I'm just working on staying hydrated and getting rid of some of the bloat. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow afternoon to see how I'm doing.

I wanted to finally post a picture of our little embryos.

I've looked at the picture countless times and it still amazes me. All of my fingers are crossed. My beta is scheduled for 12/11, but there's no way I'll be able to not test before then. I hope this works!

OHSS

Things were going so well with us during this IVF cycle. I felt like everything that I wanted to happen (good fertilization, 5 day transfer, good quality embryos) actually happened. I noticed that I wasn't feeling well on Monday before the transfer, but I thought it was nerves combined with the side effects of the PIO shots. By Monday night, I couldn't keep anything down and my stomach started to swell like a balloon. We went to the emergency room where I was hooked up to an IV and given anti-nausea medication while we waited for a sonogram. My doctor is associated with the hospital and it was he that gave me the news - I was experiencing severe OHSS and he was admitting me to the hospital.

I can't even explain how suddenly this came on. I was still sore and a bit bloated after the retrieval, but it wasn't getting any worse. I thought the pain was lasting so long because of the number of follicles I had. Then came the nausea, pain, and vomiting. I weighed myself before all of this happened and when they weighed me last night at the hospital I had gained 10 pounds. I was up another 2 this morning. They watched me all day and gave me constant IV hydration while monitoring my output. I also had to take blood thinners because whatever numbers they were looking at were very off. I was happily released this evening and feel a lot better. I'm still incredibly bloated but most of the nausea is gone. My doctor wants to see me back on Friday.

I was so happy with my doctor. Even though he works for the hospital where I was staying, his office is in another building. He came to check on me multiple times even when the doctor on call had already seen me. He reassured me that this isn't going to cause my cycle to fail, but he did warn me that if I get pregnant I will likely experience this again. It was nice to see a familiar face and to hear from my own doctor who knew exactly what was going on.

So for now I have to rest and drink a lot of liquids. I hope to eat some solid food tonight. I'm pretty humbled by this whole experience, though - it reminded me not to take anything for granted. I'm hoping that the little embryos decide to stick it out despite the rough start.

Transfer complete

Just a quick note before B kicks me off the computer to enforce the doctor's bedrest policy. Our transfer was today at 12:00. We transferred two beautiful blasts, one already hatching. Of the 9 that fertilized, 8 made it to day 5...that means we were able to freeze six. Our doctor said we're in a great place and have excellent chances.

I hope to post the picture they gave us as soon as my bedrest is over. For now, I think I need the rest. I'm still pretty sore and bloated from the retrieval. And I'm not letting the picture out of my sight. :)

Thanks as always for your good thoughts!

Monday

We received a call yesterday afternoon. It was the same nurse and she had that same edge to her voice as she did in the message. But the news was happy - she said our embryos look "excellent" and they are almost certain our transfer will be on Monday. We had to stay "on call" this morning until the embryologist and doctor reviewed their growth on day 3. I just got the call...our transfer will be Monday. The nurse didn't know what time yet because they're still figuring out the schedule, but she wanted to call me because she knew how much I needed to know. That made me so happy.

Thanks again for all of the good wishes - my family is here from California and I don't have as much time to post as I would like, but I hope to keep updating as we go.

9

We got a call from the clinic...9 of our eggs fertilized. Unfortunately, we didn't make it to the phone in time and they had to leave a message. The nurse said that 9 fertilized but she couldn't say much else. I really, really hope that this means that she didn't want to leave a detailed message on what could be a public machine. I've listened to the message several times and I think it sounds positive...I mean, how much can they tell me one day after retrieval other than that we have fertilization? I tried to call back even though the message said they were closing early for Thanksgiving. Do you think they would be annoyed if I called the emergency line for more information? :)

She said to call back tomorrow at 11 for instructions regarding Saturday and the transfer. I hope that they will set us up with an appointment on Saturday that they cancel in favor of a 5 day transfer on Monday. I feel like I'm asking too much and not being appreciative enough, but I don't have to explain how much I want this to work. I know that this is the one place I'm completely understood.

Thanks again to everyone for their good wishes. They mean more to me than I can say. I'm very sore and bloated, but still hanging in there. I'll try and post another update tomorrow.

So far, so good

Thank you so much to everyone who sent me good thoughts and used their wishes on me. It's amazing how wonderful this community has been.

Everything went smoothly today. The medicine kicked in very fast and I woke up with the doctor telling me they had retrieved 15 eggs. I'm not sure how many follicles there were or if all of those eggs were mature because I was too woozy to ask. I did learn that they asked B to produce another sample while I was under. The lab tech told him some men are asked to produce three. I'm trying not to worry about that...they also froze a sample before this process started so there's always a backup. I mean, all we need are 15 good sperm, right? We'll get the fertilization report tomorrow. If we get to transfer, it will be Saturday or (their preference) Monday.

So far I'm okay. We went right out to breakfast and I had delicious challah french toast and orange juice. Everyone thought it was funny that I wanted to go out as soon as they released me. It tasted so good. After I'd been home for a few hours the pain medication wore off. I'm walking like a 90 year old right now, but it's bearable. I've been drinking and monitoring my output. It hurts to use the bathroom, but I have had to go. I'm really hoping that all of your good wishes are the good luck charm I need to prove my doctor wrong!

I'm going to try and post an update tomorrow after we have our fertilization report.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Fingers crossed

It's never a good sign when your doctor takes a look at the ultrasound screen and says, "Oh, boy."

That's what happened to me this morning. I expressed how nervous I am because every single doctor who has examined me has made some comment about my response. It makes me feel like a spectacle. This led to a discussion about OHSS. Back when we had our first IVF consult, he said that most patients have a mild version, but 1% have a more severe form. He's concerned about my chances. He told me what to look for and when to come in for medical attention. He also warned me that there's a chance my transfer will be cancelled, any embryos we have will be frozen, and we'll have a FET instead.

So right now I'm holding out hope that I'll be able to steer clear. I can't even wrap my mind around the idea of cancelling the transfer. I know that if that happens it will be for the best from a medical standpoint, but it will be hard emotionally. So much of this process involves worrying about unknowns.

I did take comfort in the last instruction on my list for the retrieval. "For your comfort, it is advised that you bring a warm pair of socks with you for the procedure." I've got that one covered!

Road cleared

Mel posted an entry today about a wishing stone. My MIL told me she's been doing the "come down estrogen dance" all day and hoping for good news. And right after I made my wish and read my MIL's email, the clinic called. My E2 has come down and I can take half the trigger shot tonight. My retrieval is scheduled for 9:30 on Wednesday.

I can't even explain how happy and relieved I am. I started to feel a little hopeful when I woke up this morning feeling clearheaded. Yesterday I felt like I feel when I take cold medicine - dizzy, tired, and blah. The doctor told me this morning that my E2 levels have been consistently going up which would explain why I started feeling bad Saturday night through yesterday. He said he's staying hopeful and that my follicles are "gorgeous". I hoped that he wasn't just saying that to make me feel better. I continue to feel better and now I can let go (a little) of the worry I was feeling. I am hoping that this is for real!

Tomorrow I have a 7:00 a.m. appointment (yawn!) for one last round of bloodwork and an ultrasound. They're going to give me all the information for Wednesday. I'm ready for these follicles to come out!

Roadblock

Everything was going as planned until yesterday afternoon. My retrieval was estimated for tomorrow or Tuesday. I was so excited! I couldn't wait to take the next step in this process. But then came the call...my E2 levels took a jump and were too high to take the HCG shot. I was instructed to stop the stims and come back today for another check. This afternoon they let me know they are still too high and I have to go back tomorrow for another appointment.

It's hard not to let this get me down. Honestly, I feel like throwing myself down on the floor and having a tantrum. I've been through a lot to get to this point and it scares me to think my cycle could be cancelled. No one is using the "c" word yet, and it's better financially to cancel at this point than after retrieval, but I truly didn't realize how much I've invested emotionally in this process until now. On top of this, I really feel like crap - it hurts when I walk and I am exhausted. I've been to the clinic every morning since last Sunday for bloodwork and my arms have taken a beating. And there's the little voice in my head (the devil on my shoulder, maybe) that tells me all of this might have been for nothing. Except to illustrate how extremely sensitive I am to stims and to teach me a lesson about getting my hopes up.

So right now I'm just waiting. I'm not sure how much longer they're going to let me wait. The follicles they measured today were 20-22mm. My ovaries are so distended that they're "kissing" when you look at the ultrasound. I'm just trying to hope that the same sensitivity I show when it comes to stims will work the other way and let me be just as responsive in their absence. If that doesn't happen, I guess we're back at the beginning again.

The finish line is in sight...

At today's appointment, the doctor greeted me with, "So you're the patient with all the eggs!" He said that my age has been a big benefit to me in this process. I know my clinic treats many older women, so I'm hoping that I'm just producing more eggs than they usually see and am not weird or something. He measured several follicles today that were 17-18mm. They like to see follicles at 20mm before retrieval, so we're getting closer. He estimates my retrieval will be Monday or maybe Tuesday. Right now they're working on balancing follicle growth with keeping my E2 at a good level. Going for bloodwork and ultrasounds every day isn't the most enjoyable thing in the world, but I'm glad they're making sure everything is okay.

As he was leaving the room, he did something very surprising - he gave me a hug. This was the first time I've ever met this doctor, though I've seen him around many times. His hugging me was completely unexpected but somehow just what I needed. So much of this process is scientific and cold...it was nice to be reminded that these doctors are real people who care about their patients.

This weekend I plan on taking it easy. Tomorrow I want to indulge myself a little with a trip to my favorite New York coffee place, Gimme. Then I want to go to the Union Square Greenmarket and stop at Max Brenner for some of the best hot chocolate ever. My favorite is the Italian dark chocolate - it's absolutely delicious. They take thick dark chocolate and blend it with vanilla cream...it's amazing!

I'm also playing the the layout of this blog...I like this brown scheme. I named my blog "Bitter Ground" to reflect my bitterness about IF and my love of coffee. We'll see how this new template goes.

More of the same

Not too much has changed since my last entry. I've been at the clinic every morning since Sunday for bloodwork and a sonogram. I got to see my doctor yesterday and he said I'm doing very well. The doctor I saw today said I'm responding "extremely well" and said I have many, many follicles. She advised me to stay hydrated and get a lot of rest. I just received my daily call and they want me to cut my Foll*istim in half to 25 units and come back tomorrow morning for another check.

I'm feeling more or less okay. I've been very tired the last few days - when B comes home from the gym I'm asleep and I can't seem to make it past 10:00. Today I'm really feeling my ovaries for the first time when I walk. I feel kind of like a duck because I'm walking funny to avoid jostling them. Is it normal to feel this way after only six days of stims? I don't know, but I'm trying to take it easy.

I have to say how much I appreciate another person in my life - my sister. She calls me every day to see how I'm doing and just generally cheers me up. She also helped me deal with a stressful situation - my parents are coming from California for Thanksgiving and they'll likely be here during our transfer. My Mom wanted to stay home with me during my bedrest, something I didn't want. It's nothing against her, I just think I'm going to want to rest and relax. The only person I really want around if B. So my sister gently encouraged my parents to consider going out during the day and they agreed. We are only a very short train ride from NYC, so they should have plenty to do. Even though my sister has not had to deal with infertility, she's one of the few people that seems to really get what I'm feeling. She doesn't try to make it seem like she can ever really understand and never tells me what I'm feeling is wrong. Anyone dealing with IF knows how rare that can be.

I'll post again soon with another update - I'm sure it will be more of the same, but it's nice to record everything here so I don't forget. :)